The unposted.....

Below is one of many posts I have started but not posted... because somehow.... things got a little too dramatic.... to hit that publish post button....

Wow. such a long time since I last posted.... I've missed this little place I come to rant and rave....
Life has been insane... Baby Brooke is growing at lightening speed... The nights have become my enemy filled full of heart burn... acid reflux... which I like to compare to the constant feeling of throwing up inside your throat.... and incontinence (sp?)... you know... where you pee sometimes involuntarily because something places so much pressure on your inner regions that you suddenly lose all control.   I have come to fear sneezing or any sudden bouts of laughter.... Who says pregnancy is glamorous?  IT IS NOT!  I assure you..... But I am happy to report that this little girl will be here in less than one month and our family could not be happier.  LiLM can't stop talking about her arrival.... We are blessed :)  Did I mention I am now off work?  And couldn't be happier... one full glorious year to stay at home with my girls... and paid... fully paid.. gawd I can't believe my luck :)

And on the custody sharing front... we are faced with the same old and some new hurdles which I can always do without... the holidays are never an exception.... But I am happy to say that with much care and consideration.... the blending in this household is going wonderfully....Don't get me wrong... there are bumps here and there....but  there is something to say for not rushing into anything when it comes to introducing our precious little ones to our significant others.  By no means do I think all situations are the same.... and each child is different... but if you know your child... then you know what they can or cannot handle.  In our case... LiLM did NOT meet MrMan until we had been dating for well over a year and we knew we were IT for eachother..... I know things happen... and things fall apart... but we made that committment to oneanother.  And then came more waiting... so that once we finally did move in together... just last spring... it was a happy and exciting time for LiLM... she had come to know... and most importantly LOVE Mr.Man... and I wouldn't have it any other way... and as a result... we are welcoming this new baby into our lives whole heartedly...   I wish I could say the same for the Dman... 

Let me just say... it's a whole different world over there.... LiLM has gone from spending thursday through Sunday... at her daddy's house and enjoying her time with him... to Friday and Saturday night... home Sunday through Friday fine with me in fact I'd like to have her all to myself but I know that she loves her daddy and having a relationship with him is important..... with the exception of her hating every second of it and calling me every day she is there and begging to come home.....    She went from asking about when it would be time to see daddy.... looking forward to it... to begging me to get it knocked down to one night a week because in her eyes.... that would be more than enough...  Sad right?  It feels like we have gone backwards in time....

But I really can't say that I am surprised.... When a parent goes from doting on a child, providing no rules... or routine... no bedtime... just constant disneyland daddyness.... to meeting a woman with a child... and moving your child out of your home to another home in 2 short months... and suddenly imposing a brand new set of rules.... and expect your child (just recently turned 6 and having never shared said parent with anyone else)... to just fall into place like a good little soldier... is well... worthy of a DONKEY award!! And then to make matters worse... you again move your child from this 'new' home just one month later... back to the 'other' home she once shared with 'only' you... said parent... and force her to share her bedroom with a 10 yearold boy... who will now inhabit the bedroom (monday to friday) that was once filled with tinkerbell and all things girly... and then you stand there dumbfounded as to why she does NOT want to come to your house... oh wait it gets better.... all throughout this... you step aside and have this new woman lay out the rules for your child.... while you stand aside.... and can't seem to figure out why you are having problemsw with you child......and  while I would love to be able to co parent with your unit.... and help you make this transition.... ... you disregard anything I suggest and in fact create more trauma for your child.... So now she feels like her place with you in this world has diminished..... and that she has been replaced by this 'new' family.  I think what makes it even harder for me is that I can completely identify with what she is going through.... because I have been there myself....

Most recent quote that made me shake my head in saddness.... when you promised your child you would get a monitor for her room (her suggestion not mine) so you would hear her if she woke up crying from a bad dream since she is not allowed to enter yours and girlfriend's bedroom....(and to help her make yet another huge adjustment in her little life) a very small price to pay to help her through this.... you promised her this and instead of telling her you and your 'partner' decided you weren't going to be doing that because you don't "want her to call you every time she 'needs' you"  Is just donkyish... Is it so horrible that your child 'needs' you....??? And to make matters even worse your significant other calls your child a 'baby' for making this request?  Yet you assure me that if she has a bad dream you will in fact go and check on her... because you always hear her... (insert eye roll because I know that is a big fat crock of SHIT you sleep like a rock and NEVER once woke up to check on your crying baby much less child in our entire life together)...So when she calls me from your house the next day to tell me she is feeling sad because daddy did not come check on her when she had a bad dream when she called him.... yet instead the ten yearold boy in the bottom bunk comforted your child by yelling at her to SHUT UP!  You are a fine man indeed......

PS... neither you nor your GF are allowed to tell my child she cannot call me... she can call me at one of the three numbers I have provided her and YOU with any time! 

All of these things remind me why I am not with you.... my only regret is that I am not able to protect my child from your lack of parental common sense....

This vent is not over..... it plays again and again in my head along with the sound of my daughter's tears and please to please let her come home.....

PS.... did I mention the hormones of being 34 weeks pregnant are not helping this situation?????

Moving on...

To a much lighter subject... joyful really.  Tho September brought much saddness into our lives... and we are still grieving the loss of our fur baby... Mr Man was my rock... he cried with me when I needed to cry... and held me when the tears subsided... He made me laugh when I thought it was impossible... and helped both myself and LilM through our sad sad sad sad days.  My heart still hits the floor some days when I open the front door to an empty foyer... but I break down less often.   The pain is still there... but then I feel that little person kicking the crap out of my insides and I can smile.

In three months I will meet this little person, and I can't wait.  It took some time for me to allow myself to truly connect tho I must confess.   The fear of losing another baby to miscarriage is something you never quite get over..... It leaves a scar on your heart and it follows you around forever.  I still remember it like it was yesterday.  It's an experience that robs you of the true joy of any subsequent pregnancy I think for me at least.  And it is so hard to let go of the fear the holds you back from allowing yourself to connect to this life inside of you.  Don't get me wrong. I loved this baby from the moment of conception, even before that really, but I just couldn't let go of my fears.  But I can honestly tell you that now I have.  I love her with all of my heart, and no matter what happens throughout the journey of this pregnancy I will not allow myself to succumb to my fears.

Life is good.  No... Life is great.  There is never enough money.  Never enough time.  I still have to share my daughter and I've been thrown at least half a dozen life altering curve balls in the last 6 months.  But I am surrounded by love, kindness, and compassion.  Not to mention I am currently housing one very sweet little baby GIRL!!!! Here's a sneak peak at the soon to be newest addition to our family....

Hello baby girl!  We are anxiously aniticipating your arrival! 

Sick with Grief...

I've started and stopped many posts since August 24th.... I did the typical summer is over.... and back to school blues.... I started the post where I talk all about my first ultrasound and the exciting anticipation of the growing little person inside of me.... but the post that has alluded me the most.... is the one where I pour my heart out as I struggle to move through the overwhelming grief of the loss of my very best furry friend.

Bella... aka the hoover.... is gone. forever.  It all began in early september.... or so I thought.  We had noticed for some time (last 3 months) that she had started getting really finicky about food.  Not like our dog AT ALL.  I mean this dog would eat ANYTHING.  Butter, rocks, cucumbers, tomatoes... you name it.  And then she threw up and we thought for sure she had swallowed a sock or something... because she loved to devour socks... and we were so vigilant around the house.  Even LiLM  was careful to close all doors at all times and leave no sock unattended.  She had a visit to the vets and one very large bill later she threw up some hair and we moved on.... things were okay... or so we had thought.  We couldn' have been more wrong.  The finicky eating turned into a complete food strike... we tried everything to  get her to eat... She stopped getting up in the morning when we did and was lethargic and depressed.... or so we thought.  So off to the vets once again.   We took her to a 24 hour place because our regular vet was closed since it was Sunday... but we just couldn't wait... she threw up constantly what little food we managed to get in her...

She spent the night at this strange place.... It broke my heart to leave her there.... she looked up at me in disbelief that we were leaving her there... my heart sunk to my feet...  She underwent blood tests and IV therapy... and two days later the prognosis was not so good but the vet sent her home with us becaus she seemed to be doing better.  He was confident it was cancer but the main problem was in her pancreas which had all but shut down... So I brought my baby home and researched the best food to give her... and decided a trip to the organic market was in order where I purchased the ingredients to make my own food for her.  And she loved it... for a while... and then she started to go downhill all over again.... and yet another trip to the vets was in order.... It's been nearly a month since this all happened and the tears still come so easily even today.... Bella was my first dog... my first very own dog and I loved her... still love her... like she was my own child.... that last trip to the vets was the last time I ever saw her.... and I am sick with grief over it.  I miss her with all of my heart... we all do... and our lives will be forever changed because the love we have for Bella... our beautiful Golden Princess.... 

Back to the grind...

Well I have had one undeniably wonderful 7 days off.  Most of which were spent lounging, cleaning, and hanging out with my two favorite people.... :)  LiL M has been loving the sunshine, and is counting down the days til our next camping trip.   MrMan and I spent the weekend with friends at an amazing cabin.. I really wished LiLM could have come... she would have loved it... it was a weekend of boating, quadding, swimming, bbq's and lounging...  But tis the life of the shared custody parent... and two years later I am still not used to it... nor will I ever be I think... We are going to save our butts off so that hopefully next year by this time we will be the proud owners of property on the lake just down the way from our dear friends... This will be the year of saving.... but don't get too excited for me... this will be an empty lot... and MrMan is over the moon at the thought of building with his own two hands.. and perhaps the many additional hands of some generous friends of course....Needless to say it would be dreamy.... You see MrMan grew up always having a cabin on the lake where he spent summers with his family.... unfortunately that cabin is far too many miles away for us to visit... but it is definately his driving force behind reliving the dream with our own little family. 

Now back to reality... tomorrow I return to the grind. 4 long days of 12.75 hour shifts... and LilM will be going to her dad's a day early as he is on vacation... gawd that man gets more vacation days than I can wrap my head around.... lucky for him they are spent doing whatever he wants while I graciously exchange mine for parenting time....  Anyhow... when she comes home we'll head off on camping expedition :)  Can't wait :)  Here's a little photo snap of our weekend away.... probablly the last til baby no. 2 makes its arrival... did I mention September 13th I find out the sex?   OMG I can't wait!  The nursery has finally been purged of LiLM's toy collection and looks like something other than a toystore!  Let the painting begin!!!!

A trip down Memory Lane...

Via a photo post of our summer adventures thus far... Summer is coming to a close.... just a few short weeks remain before my baby girl starts grade one.... We've had our ups and downs... but overall its been a fabulous summer... We've still got a few more trips planned.... one being another camping trip... yes... another camping trip... believe me... its for my child.... but I vow to make it much more enjoyable... and we'll be at a very family oriented site right on the beach... oh... and did I mention we are bringing LiLM's surrogate sister... aka... her cousin along for the festivities.... and with any luck at all the sun will shine... soo... here's our summer in review....

Showcasing her attitude for the camera... LiLM is posing it up in her hip hop costume on photo day...

We go our BFP!!  I had to do it twice because well... I just did!

Our trip to the Aquarium and butterfly santuary...

Canada Day festivities...

The first time I layed eyes on my lil bean... boy or girl?  Still don't know... but you can be sure this control freak will be finding out September 13th!

Swimming in our pool.... the best investment ever!

Our trip to the zoo!

Never one to miss a photo op.... and the zoo of course did not dissapoint...

More zoo..... there really were animals.... but photos of animals behind bars just makes me sad....

The soggy camping trip....

 

The trip to the waterslides that saved our camping trip from disaster......lol

A beautiful day at the ocean....

Lake day....

One of a gazillion trips to the park...

And last... but not least.... a day in the pool would not be complete without pretending you're a mermaid....

And then I cried...

I've logged onto blogger many times in the last few weeks... only to log off just as quick... The past two weeks have not been kind to me.  My heart is heavy and the days are dragging.  While I should feel overcome with happy thoughts of love with the sweetest little life growing inside of me... I cannot help but feel overwhelmed by the dark hole inside my heart that is so desperately missing my girl.  An all too familiar torture reality of sharing custody.  Yesterday I occupied myself cleaning.... a task which resulted in going through photo albums. Note to self... divorce.... sharing custody.... hormones from pregnancy.... and photo albums of the child whom is at the 'other' parent's house... will only lead to a very long and painful crying session.....

Last week was tough... Drop off was a tuesday (preceded by 9 glorious days with my girl) and she returned to my arms on Saturday night. It was four days... two longer than I have been accustomed to so while I missed her so much.. I made it through by keeping myself busy with work and errands.  Though nothing could prepare me for the moodswings of the child that would return to me after this extended stay with daddy and her new live in family.   She clung to her father and reluctantly took my hand upon her arrival.  When I asked him what the trouble was he informed me that she hadn't wanted to leave to come home... (with a smirk on his face of course as if to jab that knife a little deeper into my heart).  As we reached the top of the stairs I asked her what was wrong.. She replied that she did not want to leave her daddy's because she was in the middle of her 'war game' with daddy and his GF's son.  A little background... since I have written so little lately... Her father has recently moved out of his house and is now renting a place with his GF and her 9 year old son.  LilM was with me throughout their moving process, and while she did see their new place, she was pretty much removed from the whole moving process.  I have no issue with this move, nor would it matter if I did... though my concern only lies with the emotional/mental state of my child through yet another major change in her little life.  I do not doubt that his GF and son are good kind hearted people.... I have no reason to think othewise and I have it from a good source that that is in fact true.  But like any change.... no matter how big or small... the ripple effect is my reality.

As many mothers who share custody of their child can attest to... we do our best to divert and distract though often times all we are really doing is delaying... delaying the invevitable...

Rewind to Monday night... After several tantrums because mommy is being "mean" (aka enforcing simple rules and boundaries)... an angry 5yearold decides to say the UNTHINKABLE... to this mommy... a mommy who loves her child more than life itself ...without hesitation... and would do anything for her to keep her safe, happy and healthy... wait for it....

I WANT TO GO HOME!

I could not hold back the tears... (please bear in mind that I am nearly 4 months pregnant and my hormones take over at a moment's notice) This day was no exception.  I asked her what she meant by that... after all, in my mind she was home...

She made it clear that she meant her daddy's home, afterall mommy, I have TWO homes don't you know! I let her know she hurt mommy's heart... her response, run to my bathroom and slam the door.  So I went in to talk to her, and the tears came rolling again... as did hers.... and we hugged.... and that was the end of the tantrum spree.  She went back to her father's the next night and won't be home until Sunday dinner time.  And while I can't wait for her to come home, I'm on pins and needles while I wait for the doorbell to ring... wondering how this drop off will go.

Have I mentioned lately how much I hate sharing?  HATE it! While I know it is important for LilM to have her daddy in her life... the fallout from the visits is often painful... especially when they are extended during summer vacation....  Mr.Man notices the drastic change too... from the moment she walks in the door... it takes her at least a day to snap out of it... and if I let her... (which I don't) the first few days after she gets home she will sleep until 11 o'clock.... this from a child who would wake up at 630 am without prompting by mid week... so please dman... don't tell me she has a reasonable bed time....

2 more sleeps til my girl comes home....
Crossing my fingers for a tantrumless, tearless transition ....

it rained... and then it poured...

On our camping trip that is... And just when I thought it couldn't rain any harder... it did.  LilM and I went up early... because I'm impatient like that... And Mr.Man came up when he got off work.  It all went seemingly well... until I tried to unfold the 'MONSTER' tarp I had insisted MrM purchase in the event it rained... so that we did not get all sogged out... Now keep in mind... when I booked this trip the week prior... there were nothing but sunny days in the forecast.. But around here... that can change at a moment's notice... and this past weekend was no exception.  So.. the tarp comes out... and that was a nightmare... Note to self: when 3 months pregnant, do not attempt to set up camp on your own, it will only result in frustration, aggravated by raging hormones.  I thought they had started to subside, but add a touch of stress, and apparently they begin to rage again.  Bad plan.... very very bad plan. 

While on the subject of making notes to myself... there are a few more I'd like to add.... to anyone out there thinking of becoming pregnant, or currently pregnant... and planning to go camping.... beware... that putting a tarp up with your sig other... is a true test to the strength of your compatibility.  And I'm not gonna lie people... it was a little concerning at first... I wasn't sure we were going to pull through... I had to get a grip on my control issues hormones but we made it.... with a few minor tantrums on my part.... and a few tarp adjustments also made by me... while MrM was 'at the store' (insert evil laugh and grin)... Now onto the sleeping arrangement.  We have a blow up mattress... a lovely double that the box swore was a queen.  There was nothing queen about this mattress... and best of all... it's ability to hold air... was... well lets just say it was compromised by about 2 in the am..... Not so nice for the pregnant lady sandwiched in between one large MrM and a not so stationary 5 year old who likes to snuggle VERY close to mommy.

Did I mention I've quit coffee?  Only temporarily while my body is host to the little person of course... mhmmm.... no coffee whilst camping... bleh!  I find it hard enough to wake up when I climb out of my comfy bed after a heartburn filled bathroom break riddled sleep... Now envision climbing out of a tent... and starting the day with nothing but the sugaryist juice you can find to give you that kick start... it leaves a little sumthin sumthin to be desired IYKWIM...  And the trips to the bathroom, at 10, 12, 2 and 5.... a little creepy.... in the middle of the woods.... with a failing flashlight.... grrrrrrrr

So enough with the complaining.  Usually I can tough it out... when armed with a good stiff coffee in the am... and a good stiff drink in the pm... but since I was without either.... I have to say that all in all... it was a 'bonding' experience.  By the last day we finally saw some sunshine and spent the better part of the day at the waterslides.  LiLM had a blast on this trip (for the most part with a few tantrums in between... there was one point I was sure I was going to pack up and leave... having only one child... well... makes for 2 things.... a played out mommy... who simply gets tired of playing the entertainer... or one very bored child)  Can't wait for this unborn child to turn 3.... lol.... So.... we roasted a billion marshmallows, enjoyed the chirping birds as our sounding alarm that it was time to rise, and really despite the soggyness of it all, had a good time. 

Now with all that sugary sweetness in the above mentioned paragraph, I am convinced that the cabin life is indeed the life for me.  Tents are out! 

3 more sleeps til my girl comes home... the next two weeks she will have some extended stays with her dad... since he is on holidays....