I Love you to the Moon Mommy

The unposted.....

2011-12-23T10:28:00.000-08:00

Below is one of many posts I have started but not posted... because somehow.... things got a little too dramatic.... to hit that publish post button....

Wow. such a long time since I last posted.... I've missed this little place I come to rant and rave....
Life has been insane... Baby Brooke is growing at lightening speed... The nights have become my enemy filled full of heart burn... acid reflux... which I like to compare to the constant feeling of throwing up inside your throat.... and incontinence (sp?)... you know... where you pee sometimes involuntarily because something places so much pressure on your inner regions that you suddenly lose all control.   I have come to fear sneezing or any sudden bouts of laughter.... Who says pregnancy is glamorous? IT IS NOT! I assure you..... But I am happy to report that this little girl will be here in less than one month and our family could not be happier. LiLM can't stop talking about her arrival.... We are blessed :) Did I mention I am now off work? And couldn't be happier... one full glorious year to stay at home with my girls... and paid... fully paid.. gawd I can't believe my luck :)

And on the custody sharing front... we are faced with the same old and some new hurdles which I can always do without... the holidays are never an exception.... But I am happy to say that with much care and consideration.... the blending in this household is going wonderfully....Don't get me wrong... there are bumps here and there....but  there is something to say for not rushing into anything when it comes to introducing our precious little ones to our significant others. By no means do I think all situations are the same.... and each child is different... but if you know your child... then you know what they can or cannot handle. In our case... LiLM did NOT meet MrMan until we had been dating for well over a year and we knew we were IT for eachother..... I know things happen... and things fall apart... but we made that committment to oneanother. And then came more waiting... so that once we finally did move in together... just last spring... it was a happy and exciting time for LiLM... she had come to know... and most importantly LOVE Mr.Man... and I wouldn't have it any other way... and as a result... we are welcoming this new baby into our lives whole heartedly...   I wish I could say the same for the Dman...

Let me just say... it's a whole different world over there.... LiLM has gone from spending thursday through Sunday... at her daddy's house and enjoying her time with him... to Friday and Saturday night... home Sunday through Friday fine with me in fact I'd like to have her all to myself but I know that she loves her daddy and having a relationship with him is important..... with the exception of her hating every second of it and calling me every day she is there and begging to come home.....    She went from asking about when it would be time to see daddy.... looking forward to it... to begging me to get it knocked down to one night a week because in her eyes.... that would be more than enough... Sad right? It feels like we have gone backwards in time....

But I really can't say that I am surprised.... When a parent goes from doting on a child, providing no rules... or routine... no bedtime... just constant disneyland daddyness.... to meeting a woman with a child... and moving your child out of your home to another home in 2 short months... and suddenly imposing a brand new set of rules.... and expect your child (just recently turned 6 and having never shared said parent with anyone else)... to just fall into place like a good little soldier... is well... worthy of a DONKEY award!! And then to make matters worse... you again move your child from this 'new' home just one month later... back to the 'other' home she once shared with 'only' you... said parent... and force her to share her bedroom with a 10 yearold boy... who will now inhabit the bedroom (monday to friday) that was once filled with tinkerbell and all things girly... and then you stand there dumbfounded as to why she does NOT want to come to your house... oh wait it gets better.... all throughout this... you step aside and have this new woman lay out the rules for your child.... while you stand aside.... and can't seem to figure out why you are having problemsw with you child......and  while I would love to be able to co parent with your unit.... and help you make this transition.... ... you disregard anything I suggest and in fact create more trauma for your child.... So now she feels like her place with you in this world has diminished..... and that she has been replaced by this 'new' family. I think what makes it even harder for me is that I can completely identify with what she is going through.... because I have been there myself....

Most recent quote that made me shake my head in saddness.... when you promised your child you would get a monitor for her room (her suggestion not mine) so you would hear her if she woke up crying from a bad dream since she is not allowed to enter yours and girlfriend's bedroom....(and to help her make yet another huge adjustment in her little life) a very small price to pay to help her through this.... you promised her this and instead of telling her you and your 'partner' decided you weren't going to be doing that because you don't "want her to call you every time she 'needs' you" Is just donkyish... Is it so horrible that your child 'needs' you....??? And to make matters even worse your significant other calls your child a 'baby' for making this request? Yet you assure me that if she has a bad dream you will in fact go and check on her... because you always hear her... (insert eye roll because I know that is a big fat crock of SHIT you sleep like a rock and NEVER once woke up to check on your crying baby much less child in our entire life together)...So when she calls me from your house the next day to tell me she is feeling sad because daddy did not come check on her when she had a bad dream when she called him.... yet instead the ten yearold boy in the bottom bunk comforted your child by yelling at her to SHUT UP! You are a fine man indeed......

PS... neither you nor your GF are allowed to tell my child she cannot call me... she can call me at one of the three numbers I have provided her and YOU with any time!

All of these things remind me why I am not with you.... my only regret is that I am not able to protect my child from your lack of parental common sense....

This vent is not over..... it plays again and again in my head along with the sound of my daughter's tears and please to please let her come home.....

PS.... did I mention the hormones of being 34 weeks pregnant are not helping this situation?????

Moving on...

2011-10-24T12:46:00.000-07:00

To a much lighter subject... joyful really. Tho September brought much saddness into our lives... and we are still grieving the loss of our fur baby... Mr Man was my rock... he cried with me when I needed to cry... and held me when the tears subsided... He made me laugh when I thought it was impossible... and helped both myself and LilM through our sad sad sad sad days. My heart still hits the floor some days when I open the front door to an empty foyer... but I break down less often. The pain is still there... but then I feel that little person kicking the crap out of my insides and I can smile.

In three months I will meet this little person, and I can't wait. It took some time for me to allow myself to truly connect tho I must confess. The fear of losing another baby to miscarriage is something you never quite get over..... It leaves a scar on your heart and it follows you around forever. I still remember it like it was yesterday. It's an experience that robs you of the true joy of any subsequent pregnancy I think for me at least. And it is so hard to let go of the fear the holds you back from allowing yourself to connect to this life inside of you. Don't get me wrong. I loved this baby from the moment of conception, even before that really, but I just couldn't let go of my fears. But I can honestly tell you that now I have. I love her with all of my heart, and no matter what happens throughout the journey of this pregnancy I will not allow myself to succumb to my fears.

Life is good. No... Life is great. There is never enough money. Never enough time. I still have to share my daughter and I've been thrown at least half a dozen life altering curve balls in the last 6 months. But I am surrounded by love, kindness, and compassion. Not to mention I am currently housing one very sweet little baby GIRL!!!! Here's a sneak peak at the soon to be newest addition to our family....

Hello baby girl! We are anxiously aniticipating your arrival!

Sick with Grief...

2011-10-10T07:29:00.000-07:00

I've started and stopped many posts since August 24th.... I did the typical summer is over.... and back to school blues.... I started the post where I talk all about my first ultrasound and the exciting anticipation of the growing little person inside of me.... but the post that has alluded me the most.... is the one where I pour my heart out as I struggle to move through the overwhelming grief of the loss of my very best furry friend.

Bella... aka the hoover.... is gone. forever. It all began in early september.... or so I thought. We had noticed for some time (last 3 months) that she had started getting really finicky about food. Not like our dog AT ALL. I mean this dog would eat ANYTHING. Butter, rocks, cucumbers, tomatoes... you name it. And then she threw up and we thought for sure she had swallowed a sock or something... because she loved to devour socks... and we were so vigilant around the house. Even LiLM was careful to close all doors at all times and leave no sock unattended. She had a visit to the vets and one very large bill later she threw up some hair and we moved on.... things were okay... or so we had thought. We couldn' have been more wrong. The finicky eating turned into a complete food strike... we tried everything to get her to eat... She stopped getting up in the morning when we did and was lethargic and depressed.... or so we thought. So off to the vets once again. We took her to a 24 hour place because our regular vet was closed since it was Sunday... but we just couldn't wait... she threw up constantly what little food we managed to get in her...

She spent the night at this strange place.... It broke my heart to leave her there.... she looked up at me in disbelief that we were leaving her there... my heart sunk to my feet... She underwent blood tests and IV therapy... and two days later the prognosis was not so good but the vet sent her home with us becaus she seemed to be doing better. He was confident it was cancer but the main problem was in her pancreas which had all but shut down... So I brought my baby home and researched the best food to give her... and decided a trip to the organic market was in order where I purchased the ingredients to make my own food for her. And she loved it... for a while... and then she started to go downhill all over again.... and yet another trip to the vets was in order.... It's been nearly a month since this all happened and the tears still come so easily even today.... Bella was my first dog... my first very own dog and I loved her... still love her... like she was my own child.... that last trip to the vets was the last time I ever saw her.... and I am sick with grief over it. I miss her with all of my heart... we all do... and our lives will be forever changed because the love we have for Bella... our beautiful Golden Princess....

Back to the grind...

2011-08-24T16:15:00.000-07:00

Well I have had one undeniably wonderful 7 days off. Most of which were spent lounging, cleaning, and hanging out with my two favorite people.... :) LiL M has been loving the sunshine, and is counting down the days til our next camping trip. MrMan and I spent the weekend with friends at an amazing cabin.. I really wished LiLM could have come... she would have loved it... it was a weekend of boating, quadding, swimming, bbq's and lounging... But tis the life of the shared custody parent... and two years later I am still not used to it... nor will I ever be I think... We are going to save our butts off so that hopefully next year by this time we will be the proud owners of property on the lake just down the way from our dear friends... This will be the year of saving.... but don't get too excited for me... this will be an empty lot... and MrMan is over the moon at the thought of building with his own two hands.. and perhaps the many additional hands of some generous friends of course....Needless to say it would be dreamy.... You see MrMan grew up always having a cabin on the lake where he spent summers with his family.... unfortunately that cabin is far too many miles away for us to visit... but it is definately his driving force behind reliving the dream with our own little family.

Now back to reality... tomorrow I return to the grind. 4 long days of 12.75 hour shifts... and LilM will be going to her dad's a day early as he is on vacation... gawd that man gets more vacation days than I can wrap my head around.... lucky for him they are spent doing whatever he wants while I graciously exchange mine for parenting time.... Anyhow... when she comes home we'll head off on camping expedition :) Can't wait :) Here's a little photo snap of our weekend away.... probablly the last til baby no. 2 makes its arrival... did I mention September 13th I find out the sex? OMG I can't wait! The nursery has finally been purged of LiLM's toy collection and looks like something other than a toystore! Let the painting begin!!!!

A trip down Memory Lane...

2011-08-19T10:50:00.000-07:00

Via a photo post of our summer adventures thus far... Summer is coming to a close.... just a few short weeks remain before my baby girl starts grade one.... We've had our ups and downs... but overall its been a fabulous summer... We've still got a few more trips planned.... one being another camping trip... yes... another camping trip... believe me... its for my child.... but I vow to make it much more enjoyable... and we'll be at a very family oriented site right on the beach... oh... and did I mention we are bringing LiLM's surrogate sister... aka... her cousin along for the festivities.... and with any luck at all the sun will shine... soo... here's our summer in review....

Showcasing her attitude for the camera... LiLM is posing it up in her hip hop costume on photo day...

We go our BFP!! I had to do it twice because well... I just did!

Our trip to the Aquarium and butterfly santuary...

Canada Day festivities...

The first time I layed eyes on my lil bean... boy or girl? Still don't know... but you can be sure this control freak will be finding out September 13th!

Swimming in our pool.... the best investment ever!

Our trip to the zoo!

Never one to miss a photo op.... and the zoo of course did not dissapoint...

More zoo..... there really were animals.... but photos of animals behind bars just makes me sad....

The soggy camping trip....

The trip to the waterslides that saved our camping trip from disaster......lol

A beautiful day at the ocean....

Lake day....

One of a gazillion trips to the park...

And last... but not least.... a day in the pool would not be complete without pretending you're a mermaid....

And then I cried...

2011-07-29T10:08:00.000-07:00

I've logged onto blogger many times in the last few weeks... only to log off just as quick... The past two weeks have not been kind to me. My heart is heavy and the days are dragging. While I should feel overcome with happy thoughts of love with the sweetest little life growing inside of me... I cannot help but feel overwhelmed by the dark hole inside my heart that is so desperately missing my girl. An all too familiar ~~torture~~ reality of sharing custody. Yesterday I occupied myself cleaning.... a task which resulted in going through photo albums. Note to self... divorce.... sharing custody.... hormones from pregnancy.... and photo albums of the child whom is at the 'other' parent's house... will only lead to a very long and painful crying session.....

Last week was tough... Drop off was a tuesday (preceded by 9 glorious days with my girl) and she returned to my arms on Saturday night. It was four days... two longer than I have been accustomed to so while I missed her so much.. I made it through by keeping myself busy with work and errands. Though nothing could prepare me for the moodswings of the child that would return to me after this extended stay with daddy and her new live in family. She clung to her father and reluctantly took my hand upon her arrival. When I asked him what the trouble was he informed me that she hadn't wanted to leave to come home... (with a smirk on his face of course as if to jab that knife a little deeper into my heart). As we reached the top of the stairs I asked her what was wrong.. She replied that she did not want to leave her daddy's because she was in the middle of her 'war game' with daddy and his GF's son. A little background... since I have written so little lately... Her father has recently moved out of his house and is now renting a place with his GF and her 9 year old son. LilM was with me throughout their moving process, and while she did see their new place, she was pretty much removed from the whole moving process. I have no issue with this move, nor would it matter if I did... though my concern only lies with the emotional/mental state of my child through yet another major change in her little life. I do not doubt that his GF and son are good kind hearted people.... I have no reason to think othewise and I have it from a good source that that is in fact true. But like any change.... no matter how big or small... the ripple effect is my reality.

As many mothers who share custody of their child can attest to... we do our best to divert and distract though often times all we are really doing is delaying... delaying the invevitable...

Rewind to Monday night... After several tantrums because mommy is being "mean" (aka enforcing simple rules and boundaries)... an angry 5yearold decides to say the UNTHINKABLE... to this mommy... a mommy who loves her child more than life itself ...without hesitation... and would do anything for her to keep her safe, happy and healthy... wait for it....

I WANT TO GO HOME!

I could not hold back the tears... (please bear in mind that I am nearly 4 months pregnant and my hormones take over at a moment's notice) This day was no exception. I asked her what she meant by that... after all, in my mind she was home...

She made it clear that she meant her daddy's home, afterall mommy, I have TWO homes don't you know! I let her know she hurt mommy's heart... her response, run to my bathroom and slam the door. So I went in to talk to her, and the tears came rolling again... as did hers.... and we hugged.... and that was the end of the tantrum spree. She went back to her father's the next night and won't be home until Sunday dinner time. And while I can't wait for her to come home, I'm on pins and needles while I wait for the doorbell to ring... wondering how this drop off will go.

Have I mentioned lately how much I hate sharing? HATE it! While I know it is important for LilM to have her daddy in her life... the fallout from the visits is often painful... especially when they are extended during summer vacation.... Mr.Man notices the drastic change too... from the moment she walks in the door... it takes her at least a day to snap out of it... and if I let her... (which I don't) the first few days after she gets home she will sleep until 11 o'clock.... this from a child who would wake up at 630 am without prompting by mid week... so please dman... don't tell me she has a reasonable bed time....

2 more sleeps til my girl comes home....
Crossing my fingers for a tantrumless, tearless transition ....

it rained... and then it poured...

2011-07-20T07:55:00.000-07:00

On our camping trip that is... And just when I thought it couldn't rain any harder... it did. LilM and I went up early... because I'm impatient like that... And Mr.Man came up when he got off work. It all went seemingly well... until I tried to unfold the 'MONSTER' tarp I had insisted MrM purchase in the event it rained... so that we did not get all sogged out... Now keep in mind... when I booked this trip the week prior... there were nothing but sunny days in the forecast.. But around here... that can change at a moment's notice... and this past weekend was no exception. So.. the tarp comes out... and that was a nightmare... Note to self: when 3 months pregnant, do not attempt to set up camp on your own, it will only result in frustration, aggravated by raging hormones. I thought they had started to subside, but add a touch of stress, and apparently they begin to rage again. Bad plan.... very very bad plan.

While on the subject of making notes to myself... there are a few more I'd like to add.... to anyone out there thinking of becoming pregnant, or currently pregnant... and planning to go camping.... beware... that putting a tarp up with your sig other... is a true test to the strength of your compatibility. And I'm not gonna lie people... it was a little concerning at first... I wasn't sure we were going to pull through... I had to get a grip on my ~~control issues~~ hormones but we made it.... with a few minor tantrums on my part.... and a few tarp adjustments also made by me... while MrM was 'at the store' (insert evil laugh and grin)... Now onto the sleeping arrangement. We have a blow up mattress... a lovely double that the box swore was a queen. There was nothing queen about this mattress... and best of all... it's ability to hold air... was... well lets just say it was compromised by about 2 in the am..... Not so nice for the pregnant lady sandwiched in between one large MrM and a not so stationary 5 year old who likes to snuggle VERY close to mommy.

Did I mention I've quit coffee? Only temporarily while my body is host to the little person of course... mhmmm.... no coffee whilst camping... bleh! I find it hard enough to wake up when I climb out of my comfy bed after a heartburn filled bathroom break riddled sleep... Now envision climbing out of a tent... and starting the day with nothing but the sugaryist juice you can find to give you that kick start... it leaves a little sumthin sumthin to be desired IYKWIM... And the trips to the bathroom, at 10, 12, 2 and 5.... a little creepy.... in the middle of the woods.... with a failing flashlight.... grrrrrrrr

So enough with the complaining. Usually I can tough it out... when armed with a good stiff coffee in the am... and a good stiff drink in the pm... but since I was without either.... I have to say that all in all... it was a 'bonding' experience. By the last day we finally saw some sunshine and spent the better part of the day at the waterslides. LiLM had a blast on this trip (for the most part with a few tantrums in between... there was one point I was sure I was going to pack up and leave... having only one child... well... makes for 2 things.... a played out mommy... who simply gets tired of playing the entertainer... or one very bored child) Can't wait for this unborn child to turn 3.... lol.... So.... we roasted a billion marshmallows, enjoyed the chirping birds as our sounding alarm that it was time to rise, and really despite the soggyness of it all, had a good time.

Now with all that sugary sweetness in the above mentioned paragraph, I am convinced that the cabin life is indeed the life for me. Tents are out!

3 more sleeps til my girl comes home... the next two weeks she will have some extended stays with her dad... since he is on holidays....

Booked!

2011-07-10T14:05:00.000-07:00

Well... we've managed to do the waterslides....the zoo.... installed a pool... attended a parade and various parade like festivities... and we've only been out of school for a mere few weeks! Not bad if I do say so myself. Our next adventure... CAMPING! Yup... that's right... after some long hard internet searching I was able to book us a site!!!! I will be leaving the soft cushiony luxury confines of my lovely down filled bedding to venture into the outdoors! Now cross your fingers for me.... the last two weeks of July are D-man's holidays....he said he wanted to have LilM for his holidays.. however he wants to extend his weeks with her so instead of doing his holiday time all at once.... he suggested he have her for a longer period of time.... Hopefully he will be as accomodating when I tell him I'd like to have her next weekend.... please cross your toes tooo..... I'd really like to take LilM camping... especially on a weekend : ) And as luck would have it... a little birdie told me he is moving that weekend... lets hope he feels like taking advantage of me this opportunity.. I'll be counting down the minutes to drop off...

This is where I will be nestled in a tent next weekend... Hopefully the rain stays away...Isn't it gorgeous....

And I am sure we will venture down a trail or two...

and swimming in this lake of course..

5 hours till my girl gets home!!!

Baby Fever....

2011-07-10T08:14:00.000-07:00

I'm getting baby fever.... I've reached my 10 week mark.... and am approaching 11.... but already have visions of a baby nursery dancing in my head... lol... Lil M is sooooo excited! We went for our first ultrasound a few weeks back... a dating one... since I had lost all track of time apparently.... Anyhow... we brought her in with us and so began the first introduction to lil Bean... She can't stop thinking/talking about when this baby gets here... so stinkin cute! She asked me the other day where the baby is going to sleep... I suggested the playroom (aka the toystore)... and much to my surprise she was more than happy to part with it. Now what to do with the overflowing never ending supply of toys in our house. Part of me really has a hard to time imagining selling/giving them away since I think long term it would be such a savings in dollars for when Lil B get a bit older.... I think some of them will have to take up residence in the garage... I can already feel the walls closing in on me and the child has not even been born.... Who says toys need their own room.... I know we will sort it out.... somehow....

So I went ahead and made my first 7 purchase s.
One of each colour imaginable of these..... Don't worry... they aren't all pink... just one... but I must confess I did buy 7 different colours... and I can't wait for them to get here!

Next on my list of things to purchase.....

Glass Born free bottles....

This gorgeous Mei Tai Carrier... in several colours and patterns.... :)

I fully intend to make this little peanut's food :)

So much to do.... hmmm.... I am feeling the need to decorate and pull out the sleepers.... and everything baby currently living in the garage :)

Princess comes home today...

207 Sleeps till Lil Bean arrives....

Puke covered socks....

2011-07-09T16:56:00.000-07:00

Meet Bailey the golden

retriever who ate four gloves,

a mitten, a stocking

and NINE socks but lived

to wag his tail

By Daily Mail Reporter

Remeber the 'HOOVER'? Aka our Golden Retriever Bella? She stole my heart from the moment I laid eyes upon her as a wee little bulge in her mommy's tummy! And has been stealing my socks from the moment I brought her home. The breeder....... I chose her very carefully amongst many golden breeders in our area. I can still remember writing out that deposit cheque and thinking... wth...? I have to give this woman a 'deposit?' for a dog that isn't even born? wow... was not the only word that came to mind. I researched long and hard before determining a Golden was the dog for us.... Dman had a dog prior to Hoover... that was.... shall we say.... a tad unpredictable... to the point that I did not want him anywhere my nieces and nephew... he would eventually bite one... nuff said.... it was awful.... he was not a kid friendly dog.... and I was determined to have a wonderful family dog... but most importantly a child friendly dog...

Over all finding and purchasing Hoover was a wonderful experience. This breeder kept the buyers of these soon to be born pups apprised of every ultrasound, the birth, sent us photos... the whole nine yards... I got to go visit... it was like adopting a child in some ways... I was screened, had to sign a very detailed contract... all very legal and lengthy. 8 years ago this past May 23rd my pooch was born. Nowhere in the brochure was there any mention that this dog would go on to eat drywall (directly from the wall), peel up linolium, and eat as many pairs of underwear and socks she could get her chops on..... I know this... I was the poop scooper.... and more than one or two times I did in fact find some missing favorites on the lawn... if you know what I mean.....

A few weeks back she stopped eating and wouldn't even look at her food.... we were sure she had some articles of clothing stashed in that tummy of hers.... and then miraculously one day I was folding laundry... far from her slobbery sock obsessed self... and she started to make that gag sound... if you have a dog I'm sure you know it... then shizam! a nice bile covered sock appeared on the carpet... yum.... so being the dutiful owner I am... I raced to scoop it away from her before she re ingested it... yes she does this.... BLEH... Well, MrMan walked in during the cufuffle and was visibly disturbed by the whole ordeal (insert MrMan dry heaving). He's sure Hoover has some mental deficiencies (which may very well be the case) but I have chalked it up over the years... to her breed... google it... "Golden Retriever" + "eating socks" and you will find a plethera of information... I kid you not.... So off to the vets she went... to have her tummy x-rayed... then onto to a vet induced vomitting session... she puked up a handfull of pineapple and a large wad of hair (human)... I know ick right.... So Mr. Man has become the sock nazi in our house.... all doors closed at all times... little does he know... the Hoover has magical ways of coming upon socks... I'm sure she has a secret stash somewhere.... and you can be sure that the one time you are carting you laundry up the stairs and sock escapes from the basket.... the Hoover will be there to suck it back.. like a child with a chocolate cookie.... There haven't been any incidents lately.... but I know I have not seen the last of the biled covered upchucked sock....

208 sleeps.....

2011-07-09T07:20:00.000-07:00

Well it has been a super super busy couple of weeks! We spent Canada day on the 28th at the parade... soooo much fun! Then on to the exhibition park for a funfilled day packed full of crafts and bounce castles and such... The sun was shining... and we finished off the day with a swim in our new pool! If you don't count the hour long wait for a mediocre hot dog... then it was a perfectly perfect day!

Tuesday we spent the day at the local waterslides.... it was beyond fun! It was me, LilM, MrMan, and LilM's cousin aka her BFF :) A day like that sure brings you back to your inner child! Though the literal 'inner child' growing inside this mommy had me gasping for air as I trudged to the top of those mountainous stairways.... But soo much fun!

Yesterday we spent the day at the zoo... LiL M and BFF brought their bikes and we saw every animal on the planet... okay not quite.... but we went on the most amazing tour through a bear sanctuary.... They have this amazing set up on like 20 acres or so where you drive up to the Jurassic Park like double gates then ride the tour bus through... took lots of amazing photos and even got to watch a few black bears bathing in the lake... lol... The girls LOVED it! We finished off the day with the dreaded drop off.... Bleh... it sure would be nice to have a saturday every now and again.... But the summer is here... so when LilM is home... every day is the weekend for the next few months.... I'm very excitedely anticipating a wonderful year at home with Mat Leave on FEB 2nd!!!!!!!! That is the official due date of little bean... :) I'll be having a C-section... so this is a SURE thing this date.... can't wait to find out if it's a girl or boy... because yes.... I am an ocd planner.... and wouldn't have it any other way.... though one thing I certainly didn't plan for.... how quickly my stomach would begin to expand the second time around.... not so nice....

Well... one more sleep til the princess comes home... and 208 sleeps til baby's here.... :)

Summer Plans...

2011-06-26T11:15:00.000-07:00

I'm making a list of sorts... here on this blog of mine... which I feel I have neglected... so much lately... ironically enough... the thoughts in my head have also been neglected... which is why I find myself here today. I need to write. It helps me clear my head.... and forces me to hold myself accountable for all of that noise in my mind.... so here goes....

So much has happened in the last month or so... and there's so much to come...
Lil M went on a field trip last week to the aquarium. I was fortunate enough to be a parent escort and have loads of photos to share... I've yet to learn how to blog from my Iphone but when I do this blog will be inundated with photos...

The end of this school year is quickly drawing to a close. Since it is the weekend, I am... of course... at work. But took the entire last week of LilM's final school week off so that I could go to her sports day! So much fun! I have made some wonderful friends of Lil M's classmate mommy's and look forward to some fun playdates over the summer! I still can't believe this year is almost over! And am still in shock that I will have a sweet little baby in my arms by this time next year! Though I approach this pregnancy with a strong dose of cautiousness... compliments of a misscarriage I will not soon forget.... Though I will forever remain optimistic... I haven't told LiLM yet. I had my first appointment last week and that little bean is growing up a storm with a good strong heart beat... right on course.... and it turns out I am farther along than I had guesssed.... I stopped keeping track months ago..... I'll be10 weeks by the next friday! I'm still in shock.... but very happy. Happy that I the man this child will call daddy will continue to fill all of our lives with joy. Happy that I get a chance to be where I always dreamed I would be at this point in my life.... Elated that it really is possible to have a happy ever after...... with a few alterations of course.... The wedding will have to wait... until next summer... as planned.... and I'm okay with that.

Two night's past LiLM had her very first dance performance... live on stage! She was a superstar! It was adorable! So onto my list.... with summer finally here....I've decided to compile a list of to do's... all fun in nature of course.... so here goes....

1) Visit the Zoo
2) Lots of trips to the water park
3) Waterslides
4) Camping trips
5) Lots of trips to the ocean which include sandcastle building and kite flying!
6) Go to the Exhibition Park
7) Go on a romantic getaway with Mr.Man!
there'll be more to add I'm sure......

Wow... my head already feels a bit lighter...

Got my two lines.....

2011-06-26T09:01:00.000-07:00

We're

Having....

a......

Yes, you read that correctly. It has been a very long journey.... from the birth of my first precious little princess... to the breakdown of my marriage.... through my struggles of sharing custody.... to my nightmares of painful coexistance with a would be coparenter.... nearly 3 years later.... I have found the man I will be with for the rest of my life.... and we are sooooo happy to say.... that we will be having a baby!

Time slipping through my hands...

2011-06-10T19:25:00.000-07:00

Yikers! It feels like I have not been here in forever! Have not even logged on to my favorite reads in weeks. Soooo much in the works over here! Works been crazy hectic... still no job change.... my fingers have come uncrossed and I am letting the universe take over... if it happens it happens.... I can't say there's much to complain about... but there are a billion things running through my head that I want/need to blog about... like the fact that there are only 2 weeks left to Lil M's first year of school... She's so excited! And so am I... because I can spend the entire day with my girl... no more of this little bit in the am... little bit in the pm... can't wait to go camping.... spend some long days soakin up the sun and hanging out at the beach! There is one very heavy set of boxes...with one very funtastic pool which Mr.Man will be constructing very soon and we couldn't be more excited!!!!! Oh summer.... hurry up and get here! Today was the ever dreaded drop off day... blech! But it's all good.... sorta... cuz it'll be just 2 sleeps before I am holding my little princess in my arms...

The drama factor is staying high here at work..... which I suppose is just 'par for the course' when you are locked in with a bunch of angry lawbreaking women! Need I say more? Wish I could share some details.... of the last week's events... but I don't want to seriously traumatize my readers..... or myself any more by re living it... bleck is all I have to say....... ... So much to share... and I will be back... for I must blog.... to keep my sanity :) Time just seems to be slipping through my hands these days....

Oblivious

2011-05-22T02:32:00.000-07:00

On this here 8th hour of graveyard shift.... 4 more to go.... so that pretty much sums it up... oblivious.... and a tad bit delirious.. and most of all... completely exhausted....is how I am feeling tonight...

It was a work filled week. I had to work 2 out of my 5 days with LilM... I shouldn't complain too much... because... well.... I count my blessings that I am able to shift trade to the degree that I do to make my schedule (for the most part) work for me! Next week will be a wee bit better.. just one shift during the week, and evening....so I am looking forward to a relaxing week at home!

I've got some great photos to post... Mr.Man, LilM and I went fishing at a local lake. He bought her a fishing rod for her Christmas so she was super excited to test it out. I got some great shots of her being ever so impatient.... not catching a single thing.... and eventually moving on to bird watching.... which as you will see from the photos... was far more entertaining. So all in all it was a nice week with a fair bit of sunshine :) Bleh I can't wait for this shift to be over.......

1 more sleep.....

Super Moms...

2011-05-15T08:37:00.000-07:00

I read a post this morning from one of my favorite Mommy Bloggers... you can find her and the post I am referring to here... Mommy Glow... Her post really hit home for me today... so much so that the response I wrote was too long ~~winded~~ it had to be broken down into two comments... lol... She talks about trying to be the supermom to her little girl... and how her little one spoke the unspeakable words I think all of us as single or not so single coparenters mom or dad.... cringe at the mere thought of... her daughter told her she didn't want to live with her anymore... she wants to go live with daddy... which in turn left her feeling... well like hanging up her supermommy cape... Now keep in mind... this mommy rocks! She goes above and beyond for this little girl... she is indeed a supermom! ... and what her little one really meant was that she was missing her daddy......but knowing this does not make it hurt any less... because we are after all.... all human. Words can hurt us... none of us are immune to them... and her post brought me back to my own childhood... Here is my comment....

"oh... I have thought a lot about that day... and how I will respond... if and when it happens. I come from a single parent home myself where my dad voluntarily removed himself from most of our lives... and I watched my mom go through that exact scenario with my sister. My heart hurt for you just reading this post.... and for my own at the very thought of it. You have done a remarkable job with your daughter... And like you... I also work my butt off to provide my 5.5 year old with consistency and am constantly trying to ensure she isn't going to be somehow scarred from the divorce... but somehow... they manage to hit us where it hurts the most... because we are so vulnerable to those little girls... our hearts beat for them... the air we breath is to give them life... So I totally get what you are going through right now. But you are still a super mom! And you always will be.... And from the child point of view... My mom was and still is a supermom! She worked her butt off to be both mom and dad for me and my sister.... and while yes at times I did miss my dad terribly and it hurt like hell that he didn't want to be in my life.... my mom was always there to pick me off the ground or help mend my heart when it felt like it had been shattered into a million pieces when I sat at the front door waiting 4 hours for a father that didn't care enough to keep a visit with his daughter. I remember her being there for me... I remember it clear as day... her strength is a gift to me... as will yours be to your daughter. You are loved... cherished.... and despite her statement... you are her supermom!"

I forget sometimes that I already have a little window into Lil M's world..... I need to try to take myself back to that place once in awhile... Though I know it will serve to help me be more sensitive to her needs and feelings.... It's a place I don't like to frequent too often because well... to be honest... there's a certain type of pain one must endure to remind one's self that their own father willingly removed himself from their life.... But I can honestly say that the wonderful memories my own supermom provided for me did not go unnoticed. The camping trips, the dance classes, the days at the beach, the birthday parties, the swimming lessons, baseball teams, back to school clothes shopping (yes mom I still have fond memories of those trips!!), and most importantly the hugs and kisses and contant, consistent love and affection showered upon me when I was melting down because my father seemingly didn't want anything to do with me. It's the nights I woke up crying because the monsters were chasing me in my dreams.... and she would let me crawl in bed alongside her so I wouldn't be afraid. She was always there for me... she was strong, she was brave.... she was invincible... she was and is... forever and for always... my supermom!

The Childless Mother's Day...

2011-05-14T00:52:00.000-07:00

The world of shared custody... is certainly not riddled with perks.... It is not something I would wish upon anyone... It is a complex phenomenon.... And every day presents a new set of challenges as we tread every so carefully through the sometimes troubled waters of it all. As I sit here at work, on this fine graveyard shift.... at 11 at night... only 8 hours to go... I find myself reflecting on this past mother's day... It fell on a Sunday... there was nothing special about this sunday... I engaged in my usual weekend ritual ... cramming in as many hours of work as I could... to clear as much time during the week for Lil M as I possibly could.

You see.... my girl woke up on mother's day... with her daddy.... so I spent the day at work... virtually childless... on this mother's day.

Wish I had written that into the CA... I'm thinking it is due for some revisions... especially now that our schedule has changed....

So by the time the scheduled drop off time rolled around I was more than ready to recieve my mamma's day hugs and kisses... when my window ~~watching~~ obessing... was interupted by the phone ringing.... On the other end... LilM's daddy advising that they were still about an hour away... running late. I noticed the number on the call display was similar to what Lil M had been referring to the GF as.... so I was pretty confident she would be present at drop off (the GF that is).... The thought occurred to me that this would be the perfect time for she and I to meet.... possibly ward off the potential for future awkward run ins and hopefully put to rest any preconceived notions that I may possibly be ten feet tall, with razor sharp teeth and be covered in hair....

And I am happy to say that my mother's day.... was not a complete wash.... you see... for me.... the birth of Lil M.... was essentially the birth of me... only a different me... a better me.... a me...... as a mom. As I made my way from the front door to the foreign car in my driveway a million thoughts danced through my head... but I ignored them all, and reached out my hand to greet the woman who may or may not... be one of the final ingredients to the 'blend' in our coparenting blender.......

The smile on my daughter's face when she saw her mommy and this other woman connecting... was the best mother's day gift I could have ever received.

one more sleep til my girl comes home.....

Coparenting Bloopers...

2011-05-07T00:07:00.000-07:00

So... my little sunshine is off to daddy's house.... It's nearly 12 am.... and I am at work... on the night shift.... I'm afraid I must start this post off with a few gripes...

Let the griping begin....

**** Dear Dman....who called me up at the last minute to ask if he could pick up LilM from school instead of stopping by the house... I agreed.... to you picking her up from school.... you're exact words were 'after' school...... and I'm pretty sure that is not the same as 'after' lunch... there's a 3 hour time difference.... a big thanks for continuing to instill confidence that I can not only not coparent with you.... I can't trust you either.... not to bring up Easter.... but come on... Mr. Man saw me talking to you when you were dropping LiL M off...(nearly 3 hours late) he saw your smirk when you lied.... it's not all in my head.... I'm not ~~totally~~ crazy! It sure was nice that LilM's teacher felt it necessary to call me to let me know you did this.... I'd call that one coparenting blooper to put it mildly....

*****Now on to the Garbage man... really.... are you really going to discriminate against me based on the colour of my bags.. Come on now... you and I both know it doesn't take a rocket scientist to decipher that the goodies in that blue bag are clearly NOT recycling.... I would have thought their being located in the 'garbage' bin... the big black one... would further instil your confidence that those bags were in fact full of 'garbage'.... Yes I ran out of the black bags.... would it have killed you to take them... did you have to pull out the stickers???? I hate those stickers.... Will I ever catch a break from this garbage nazi???

***** Lady at the dentist office... you need to brush up on your customer service skills... PS... YOU HAVE NONE!!! Now I paid you for your services.... and my insurance company informs me that they have cut you a check for the amount I paid... that means you owe me money.... do you seriously think it is acceptable to make me wait a month before you reimburse me? I think not....

*****Ebay... you are getting rather greedy... I mean... seriously... while I totally appreciate the massive pool of potential buyers I am connected with each time I list... I am dissapointed that you are now going to take a cut on my shipping costs.... It bites that I am penalized for the jerkuses out there who have scammed you in the past....

Okay... now that I got that off my chest.... I had Lil M home with me for 6 glorious days. This morning I had off and was able to read to her and some of the other kids in her class... as per our friday morning reading ritual. As usual though... I left my girl with a heavy heart... knowing it would be a full 72 hours until I would lay my eyes upon my princess again....

2 sleeps...

Til my girl comes home...

I'm Lovin it......?

2011-05-01T08:17:00.000-07:00

Drop off days sometimes feel like a business transaction of sorts. Not to compare my child to a commodity... at all. I guess I am more referring to the cold exchange between her father and I. Call me crazy, but I'd like to know a few of the high and low lights of her time with him.... it seems lately I am not even afforded some of the simplest communications like... she did... or didn't have dinner though most days she strolls through the door with McDonald's in her hand....(insert finger in throat and eyes rolling here) that's usually how I know wether she has ~~consumed some gargage~~ eaten dinner when she comes home on Sundays. As a wannabe coparenter.... I often feel like the simplest of communications often go left unsaid. It's such a roller coaster ride... I just never know how its going to go... This week's drop off was no exception... and I won't get my hopes up for today's drop off either.... I really miss that little girl when she's gone... absolutely everything about her. I stopped calling her while she was with him because the last time I did it nearly broke my heart to get off the phone with her.... she sobbed constantly to come home and there wasn't a thing I could do to make her hurt stop. I've since reminded her every time I drop her off that she can call me anytime she wants. Her last reply was.. "okay mom, but I'll probablly be too busy doing fun stuff" which is fine with me.... I just put it out there....
On a good note... Lil M is coming home today.... though I will be at work when she arrives.... she'll be home for the entire week:) with a new drop off day on Friday (to go to her dad's) which means from this week onward she'll be home 6 out of 7 days. I must admit my initial reaction to the D-man's request for me to take her on Thursday night (formerly his night) made me a bit sad... that he could even conceive of giving up a millasecond with his child... because it's... well... clearly an inconvienience to have to get her up early and arrange for before/after school care... but the other greedy mommy side of me was beyond grateful to have one more day with my girl....

Bittersweet ... Bittersweet I tell ya... tis the land of Divorced with children!

Dear Donkey,

2011-04-24T20:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Donkey,

I ~~thought~~ hoped prayed dreamed that I had seen the last of the donkey... I really had myself ~~duped~~ convinced that you were ready to be a mature co parent. Well today you proved me wrong. And of all of the days you choose to rear yourself (punn fully intended)... You choose Easter. Yes, today is Easter. But not only is it Easter, it is my Easter. I know I know that sounds pretty petty... but to my fellow sharers of children out there... I think you know what I'm talking about and would agree that you look forward to 'your' alternating holiday. Anyhow... when I reminded you Donkey! that this was my year to have Easter with Lil M... you promptly stated you had made plans to have lunch at your mom's house that day. You stated ... and I will quote you word for word "We are going over to my mom's for lunch at noon but I will drop her off to you no later than 1". I ~~reluctantly~~ wisely opted out of a fight because I have learned my lesson the hard way..... I let it go... But don't think I will be this pushover come Christmas.....

Now let's take a moment to assess.... I know you only have your child for 2 nights a week now, but that was your choice.... I also am aware that you have been off work for the last 2 weeks and although you stated you would like to see Lil M a few extra days since you were off... to which I replied, "absolutely, just call me or email me and tell me which day you'd like". You did not call even once... so I'm guessing you were just blowing smoke out of your _ _ _. And when I called you last week to address the Easter drop off time and reminded you to call or email to let me know when you'd like to have her for some extra time you showed no interest at all.... and again.... never called. But I digress... where was I? Oh right.... Easter.... so when I dropped Lil M off to you just two days ago.... I again reiterated the drop off time... and YOU SAID 1 !!!!!! Now let's fast forward to today.... 1 o'clock rolls around and as usual I expect you will be a bit late... because you usually are.... anyhow I've spent my morning cleaning the house and hiding eggs... and everything is all ready for Lil M's arrival and so I wait.... only 1 turns into 1:30 and still I wait.... now 1:30 turns into 2:00 and still I wait.... as I stand at the window a sickness permeates my heart as worry sets in and I scan my cell phone for missed calls... no... nothing. Check my email for an unread message.... nothing...... I call you on your landline because you don't have a cell phone that I have been told of anyhow.... There is no answer.... and so I continue to wait. I search the online directory for your mother's number.... it's unlisted..... and still I wait... I try to keep my mind from going to the worst case scenario.... while I wait..... though I assure myself that surely there must be some good reason why you are so late.

At 2:50 you pull up to the driveway.... I know the exact minute since I haven't been able to pull myself away from the window, the clock or the phone waiting for you to arrive. I run down the stairs to greet my baby to hug and kiss her and know that she is okay. She bounces out of the car with a basket full of treats and a big smile on her face (and I hide the worry in my eyes now washed away by the mere sight of her and the ache in my gut is now increasingly turning to anger but I will hold out for a rational explaination). I tell her to go check her bedroom for signs the big Bunny has been there and off she goes into the house.

The door closes behind her and I turn to you. What happened to one o'clock I ask? You said you would drop her off at 1...? And your response...... one long dumb blank effortless stare.... followed up with a hint of smirk and an "I don't remember saying that to you..... what's the problem..?" I was worried.... you are 2 hours late!!!! And you don't even offer up a sorry or anything... just a shrug and the usual blank stare and your defense????? An attitude that says you are late on purpose..... you don't give a crap that I was worried.... and a big fat lie that you "DON't REMEMBER" Really? We had not one... but 2 conversations and how convienient that you 'forgot' both of them especially when it was you who came up with the drop off time. You didn't forget... you're just being a jerk! And if you've forgotten our conversation than why is it that you are dropping her off at 3 rather than your usual 5:30????? Uh... duh... says you... "I um remember saying that I'd drop her off a bit early... that's what I remember (insert smirk I'd like to slap off of your face).... " My inside voice is screaming "YOU ARE AN ASS!!!" but I make it stay there because that would bring you satisfaction...watching me lose it... it's not gonna happen... But I will tell you this much... I will be doing up a calendar regarding all holidays a year in advance.... just to be sure you don't have yet another of your ~~a-hole~~ forgetful spells!

PS... In light of this little setback... Lil M's screams of delight filled my ears the second I stepped in the front door... She was thrilled to see her basket and luckily the rain held off so we hunted for eggs in the yard... unfortunately the 4.5 hours I had to spend with Lil M (since I have to work graveyard tonight) were cut short to 2.5 hours thanks to the D-man. But to end this post on a good note I have the rest of the week off with Lil M and I will relish in every second of it! Happy Easter Bloggies!

2011-04-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

So Mr Man and I shared our exciting news with Lil M this week. She was very pleased, and insisted she needed a matching ring to go with mommy's. I'm not surprised she was pleased, and really she was more matter of fact about the whole thing. See Mr. Man and Lil M fit well together... She has been enamoured with this man since the first day she met him. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the 20 or so moving boxes he showed up at our house with that subsequently got turned into cardboard city in the living room... I sure do ~~don't~~ miss those ~~freaking~~ boxes.. but boy did they bring a lot of ~~mess~~ happiness to Lil M... I can still hear her ~~bossing~~ directing him which would go where... lol... from that day forward I tried to be careful to take my time introducting Mr. M into our lives... for Lil M. It was a very long and gradual introduction, (a little over a year.... which at times felt like forever)...I really felt that Lil M should have as much time as she needed to both grieve the loss of her family as she once knew it, and adjust to our new life as did I... I'm glad I did it this way... we took our time... and let our lives blend slowly... it's such a delicate process. I remember some of my first thoughts were overwhelmed with fears that Lil M wouldn't like Mr. Man... or that they wouldn't click. Then as time went on I worried that Dman might poison Lil M against liking Mr Man...(not that he could... but boy would he try) and we faced some issues along the way... But a whole lot of patience paid off.... and life for this once upon a single, still sharing custody, and trying to coparent, mama... is looking pretty freaking sweet :)

Things have settled down quite a bit for the Dman as well. I am happy to say that Lil M adores his semi new GF... we'll call her ICG... short for ice cream girl... I've been informed by Lil M... that her official job title is 'ice cream taster'. Of course I take this with a grain of salt... She's got a little boy of her own... whom Lil M also seems to fancy :)... and suddenly Dman's attitude towards me has improved substantially... I guess dating a woman who has been a single parent for the duration of her nine year old's life.... has left a bit of an impression on him.

Other hot news.... About a month back... Dman informed me that his schedule was going to be changing... I thought oh crap... I guess that means I will have re swap all of the gajillion shifts I have already swapped... bleh bleh bleh... He said he'd be working Monday to Friday.... I didn't say much except to say that if he wants/needs my help on Friday, I would be happy to. So just last week he asked if I would 'keep' Lil M Sunday til Friday night... to which I obviously accepted... Yes this will mean an extra day to figure out child care... and yes this will mean my schedule has changed once again... but most of all... it means I will see my child every single day... except Saturday... You see I am always counting the days... hence the countdown to the right of this blog... Always counting the days til my girl comes home...

2 sleeps and counting...

I do's n 'stuff'.....

2011-04-15T21:16:00.000-07:00

Oh how I have missed you my dear sweet blog that helps me ~~bitch~~ vent away my ~~drama~~ problems... I come to this space of mine when I am feeling up... and when I am feeling ~~shi#ty~~ down... when I'm ~~procrastinating~~ bored, but lately I have truly been neglecting you... :(... sorry bloggy buddy... I promise to fill the blogosphere with more of my random crap.... And there is soo much to tell! Where should I start?

Maybe I should start with this.....

This is on my finger... I'm staring it at I type this.... I am officially engaged! And I couldn't be happier!

I was very surprised... Now that Mr. Man has officially moved in... I guess he thought he'd like to make it officially official... :) (insert choir singing... lol)

It's quite a funny story really... how it all came about out... we had just finished a beautiful dinner... and I was sipping my wine and doing my usual blah blah blahing at Mr. Man... naming off all the people we know who do... or have worked with... who are now married... and isn't that interesting.... and then of course I listed us... and he looked at me with a smirk and said... but we aren't married, so I suppose you can't put us on that list now can you... ? Then he says... with a smirk... so you think I want to marry you do you? And of course I'm all like... well duh... of course you would... playing along with the 'sillyness' of this whole conversation... So then Mr. Man takes it one step further.... or so I thought.... and goes for his front shirt pocket... and I'm all laughing at him for playing with me by pretending he's going to whip out a ring.... cuz he's silly like that..... and then what?????? Yup... he whips out the real deal and then officially pops the question.... My heart skipped a beat.... I think I was in shock.... and then I nearly jumped over the table I was so excited!! Me n Lil M are truly blessed!

More updates to follow....... stay tuned......

2 sleeps til my girl gets home...

Poor little chicken..

2011-04-02T13:17:00.000-07:00

Approaching her 6th birthday... Lil M has become very aware of the players in the food chain....(thanks to the Canada food guide brought to you by full time kindergarten) as a result of this awareness ...... the following conversation took place at our dinner table last week...

LilM: Mommy, what is this? (points to grilled chicken)

Me: Chicken honey

Lil M: a chicken.... hmmm.... was it a big chicken or a baby chicken mommy?

Me: a big chicken sweetie

Lil M: Oooooooooh no...... poor chicken... poor poor poor chicken. (insert long face) quickly followed by a.... "how many bites to I have to eat?

Too cute. Well I find myself here at work once again.... and in the usual bored position... parked in front of the computer in my fish bowl of an office.... It's been a nice break these last few weeks having had no graveyards to work. Still waiting to hear about the job I put in for... could be months before anything transpires but I have become quite skilled at manipulating my schedule to fit most of my needs/desires.

I'm still adjusting to Lil M being gone... it was so nice to have her home for almost a full week straight. Drop off was fine... quick and colder than usual but I attribute that to the white truck that was parked in my driveway when Dman dropped Lil M off last week. Mr. Man is not usually at the house when Dman drops Lil M off. However.... he has become a permanent fixture of our lives... and as such, he should not have to make himself scarce every Sunday.... it's been 2 years since we seperated and he has now introduced his new girlfriend to Lil M... From what I gather they have been together for about a month... a little early.. in my opinion to introduce such a new GF to your child ... I thought a year was pretty standard... but I have to stop and give my head a shake... because I cannot hold him to my standards.... what I think, want, or feel... in regards to Lil M... where her father is concerned... doesn't count.....I must come to terms with that. I truly do hope that this relationship works out for him. I do want him to be happy despite everything that happened between us.... because in my opinion... a happy daddy = a happy Lil M... I guess I just worry... that a month or even two for that matter... is very premature.... My hopes... are simple... that she be a kind person.... with good kind intentions.... and treat my daughter well.... We'll see how it goes.... I will remain cautiously optimistic.....

This blender just got another ingredient.....

One more sleep....

Farewell... to youth...

2011-04-01T12:30:00.000-07:00

Well last week was the dentist... and this week was vaccination.... poor little peanut... she was so brave...

It's been a busy week... I was fortunate to have Lil M home with me throughout the weekend. I had to work... as usual... but it sure was nice to have my girl home.

She went to her dad's house last thursday for the night and came home the next day friday to stay until last night. Drop off last week was one of the hardest in a long time. Her father had informed her that he was going on a trip with his new girlfriend and her son.... but that she (Lil M) couldn't come... (he wouldn't be coming home until the following wednesday.. and I wasn't keen on her missing 3 days of school never mind losing 3 days of my time with her with 1 day notice)... So ... she came home crying... and didn't stop for about half an hour after we made the long treck up the stairs to the living room.   She cried that she wanted her daddy.... and said she didn't understand why daddy didn't want to spend his days off with her? That hurt my heart something fierce.   I quickly diverted her attention to something else... and all was well for the rest of the week without another tear shed.

So... since my last post  I had my birthday... and though I always dread bidding farewell to another year of my youth... it was a day spent being spoiled by none other than Mr. Man.... things that were on my birthday wishlist... included....

                                                                   This.... an FM transmitter for my touch

an external hard drive...because my heart hits the floor every time my lap top shuts off spontaneously... for fear that I will lose my some 5000 photos forever...

and this....

Mr. Man... took me out for breakfast with Lil M... followed by dinner later that eve... and surprised me by buying each and every item on my list .... then after breakfast, he thought it would be nice to go check out the rec center .... so as Lil M and I watched the kids skating he tells me and M we need to come to the counter to have our photos taken.... so 3 photos later and we have a year of ulimited access to all things rec center.... :) yes I am S P O I L E D !!! Love that man... needless to say we've been working out at the gym and Lil M and I have been enjoying the swimming pool :)

It was a nice week....

Drop off last night...

Fine I suppose....

But never easy as usual.... I can still see her sweet little eyes gazing at me as I drive off and her daddy carries her off .... sick pit in stomach as I type... sharing still sucks....2 more sleeps...

Silver linings?

2011-03-22T13:47:00.000-07:00

Today we spent 3 hours at the dentist. My poor peanut had to get fillings. I can still remember the horrible feeling in my stomach when the dentist informed us a few months back that she would require fillings... but nothing could prepare me for the process of not only getting said fillings placed in Lil M's mouth... and even more traumatizing was the view of the once perfect little mouth of teeth that now act as home to a small plethera of silver....

She was so brave.... we arrived bright and early... thank goodness because we had strict instructions not to eat or drink 5 hours prior to the procedure. So we brought our favorite new movie, drank the magic orange ~~poisen~~ medicine drink and waited for it to ~~knock her out~~ kick in. There is something ~~traumatizing~~ surreal about waiting for the drugs to kick into your sweet 5 year old child so that the dentist can begin the daunting task of filling the cavities... (I shudder at the thought of it)... of my child.

The actual process went relatively fast...

Then came the unveiling...

I was sure I had given them strict instructions to be sure to use white filler on teeth near the front that could easily be seen.... What I hadn't considered was the size of my peanut's mouth.... so when she opened her mouth to show me.... I almost threw up.... to see one very large shiny molar covered in silver....

I shudder just thinking about it...

Of course I gave her a giant smile and boasted about how proud I was of her... but inside I was crying.....

Having had caveties as a child myself.... I'm well aware of the need for lots of brushing and flossing... and have undergone many an arguement with Lil M to make sure her teeth get brushed... in fact I still brush them for her at bedtime and stand over her to be sure they are also flossed..... but I can't help but feel like I've done something wrong.... I don't know how much more cautious I could get.... brush teeth every night and morning... floss.... rinse with kids mouth wash after eating sweets.... but somehow we fell short.... and when I say we I am including Lil M's father in on this one. Personally I don't need to see the shiny silver in my daughter's mouth to make me aware of the importance of taking care of one's teeth. I hope its enough to make him think twice about letting her go to sleep after eating a bowl of chocolate ice cream..... (sigh).... yet another joy of shared parenting....

This day...

this trip....

gives new meaning to the concept of silver linings....

Her b**bs are HUGE!

2011-03-19T09:13:00.000-07:00

How's that for a post opener.... lol... Now that I have your attention... Hope that one doesn't bring all the pervs from google land here to my blog... lol...

So where was I? Right... the boobs... the big ones... Last weekend on Sunday's drop off.. Lil M came running up the stairs and felt the overwhelming need to tell me about her daddy's most recent of dates. The ~~entertainment~~ conversation went something like this..

Lil M: Mommy, daddy kissed a girl...

Me: And how does that make you feel honey?

Lil M: Not good (insert her frowning and arms crossed). Mommy, mommy, and her boobs are Sooooo (heavy emphasis on the so) Big! (insert Lil M making motions with her hands to demonstrate the gargantutious size)

Lil M: Daddy went on a date with her

Me: Ummm... all bodies are different honey.

I had a hunch after this conversation that I would not be getting to spend the month of April with Lil M... as previously plannded... based on the hunch that D-man would likely not be going to see his Latin GF across the globe...due to these recent 'development'

That hunch.... was correct...

Drop off this week went smooth... with the usual politeness ~~we each~~ I muster up for Lil M. I see such an improvement in her attitude at drop offs when pleasantries are exchanged...

So back to this weekend drop off.... As D-man approached... he handed me money... which is for this year's past dance classes... his overdue contribution. Immediately I knew he would not be going... I was sure he was holding off making his contribution as he was saving dollars for his pending trip this April.... and I was to have my princess home with me for the duration of his nearly month long trip.... As a custody sharing mommy... I don't think I need to tell those of you out there who are in the same/similar positon... that I have been looking forward to this from the day I found out... weeks of uninterrupted time with my girl... a bit of 'normal' in a world of 'abnormal'....

So I asked.....

to "re confirm".... his departure date....

and was told... "oh yah... I'm not going anymore..." told to me like a sort of afterthought... like I hadn't been planning for this for months now... arranging and re arranging my schedule... booked off Easter.... Pro D days... that I will no longer require.... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! An annoyance that pales in comparison to the sickness I feel in the pit of my stomach... knowing that I will not get to spend this time with my girl....

Sharing sucks....

Sharing custody with someone who communicates custody related issues with you ... like they are an after thought... only to be shared when asked about them....

Sucks beyond sucking!!!!

A touch of sad...

2011-03-12T16:22:00.000-08:00

The week has come and gone.. and the weekend is almost over. Which means only one thing to me... Lil M will be home in exactly one sleep. Can't wait to see my peanut. For some reason I have been missing her more than usual... which is already a lot... Some days are easier than others... Wait. Let me rephrase that. Some days are less painful than others. It is never easy... though some days it is less painful. This particular weekend I just felt a really overwhelming sense of sadness. Friday I was just getting off of graveyard shift at 6 amish... So I was able to go read to Lil M. But when I got up there I found out it was not happening because the kids had made Leprachaun traps and were hunting for his gold... lol... sooo cute :) But I went back in the afternoon because their class was putting on a show of sorts for family members. The teacher had the kids set up stations where they were each assigned jobs. For instance, when you walked in you were greeted by the Mayor of "Busy Town". Then you met with the banker who handed out some busy town money. So Lil M was working at the hair salon... she was the hairdresser at the spa. So cute. Anyhow it was super nice to be able to go and see her... but I felt so sad when I had to leave... just knowing that I wouldn't see her after school.... and she wouldn't be home for 2 more nights. She seemed kind of out of sorts. She was happy that I was there... she just seemed a little spacey.... When it was time for to go she hugged me tight and off I went resisting the urge cry with a smile plastered on my face. Oh how I hate to share.... my child above all else...

Fire and Ashes....

2011-03-10T22:40:00.000-08:00

Something has been weighing on my mind... quite heavily.... and after many nights filled with broken sleep this week.... I feel compelled to blog....

Rewind to last week...Lil M and I are waiting in the line for the car wash. It was an exceptionally long line up so we cranked up the 'Beibster' and sang along... then during the CD change my inquisitive little daughter made the following statement which inevitably led to my jaw nearly dropping to the floor... it went like this..

"Mommy.... Grandma (D-Gramms) told me that people who don't believe in God... well.... she told me that when they die... Poof! they turn to ashes..."

So essentially she is giving my 5 year old the whole burn in hell speech... and I am positive my child did not bring this up... I am quite sure D-gramms took it upon herself to share this with my child...

ICK...I think I just threw up a little in my mouth just typing that. Is it just me... or is that a bit of a heavy load to dump upon a 5 year old? I call Innapropriate...

So for the last week.... Lil M has woken up at least twice... every single night... crying... because she is having nightmares... about fire...

If you have read my blog... you will know... the Dman.. (aka ex and father to Lil M) has never attended church except whilst in the cluches of his mother when he was a young child. Not once did he attend in the some 14 years we were together.... And still he does not attend nor does he plan to. Anyhow... I digress...

So... he has entrusted the religious education.... of my sweet child... into the hands of his mother. A woman with whom I have had many a disagreement with... a woman whom has verbally abused me on numerous occasions.... (see this post if you'd like more details), a woman... whom though I fully believe should have access to her grand daughter... however does not have the right to educate my daughter in matters of religion.... especially without the consent of BOTH... let me type that again B O T H parents. Now should her father decide to embrace the church ... and attend alongside his daughter... that would be one thing... but he never so much as consulted me.... on this matter... in fact hid it from me.... I was never consulted as to where she would attend... he just sends her off evey Sunday... even after signing a custody agreement which states he would not do this.

So my dilemma... I have consulted with a lawyer.... who has informed me that this.... is a very difficult subject which equals a long uphill battle which will likely not result in my favour..... so even though this church she is attending... did I mention it is EXTREMELY fundamental in its views.... right down to the wife must 'OBEY' her husband mentality... I feel essentially powerless....

I feel at a complete and utter loss for words when my daughter said this to me... even the Sunday school she attends does not condone teaching this aspect of their view this early on in their little lives... and to be completely honest with you... it's not the religious views of the church that concern me so much as those of my ex's mother never mind her innability to know what is and IS NOT appropriate to discuss with a 5 year old... (but that is a whole other post).... whom he gives copious amounts of unsupervised access to.....

I love my little peanut beyond anyone... in the entire world... and don't want her heart to feel fear.... I'm debating in my head what to do... and racking my brain for the words to communicate to her....

I wish I knew how to respond.... in a way she would hear me. You see I do not hold fast to these views... I do not believe what her grandma is telling her... and I told her as much..... but when I addressed it with her... she didn't want to talk about it any more and completely shut down. Its so frustrating because when her father and I were together we both agreed that we would introduce our child to a liberal form of religion and would do so in a 'shared' approach... I still believe that our parenting approach should still be 'shared' even though we are not 'together'... per say... and so on I trudge through the trenches of co uni parenting...

Check your comments...

2011-03-06T11:47:00.000-08:00

For a lil old gift from me..... which I am passing along from a fellow blogger.....

A much overdue thanks and passing on of this wonderful award :) Thanks so much for the award Crystal Lynn :) If you have not checked out her blog Super Single Mom and her Side Kids... you must... Now accepting this award comes with some responsibility...

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award!

Thanks Crystal Lynn :) If you have not checked out her blog Super Single Mom and her Side Kids... you must!

2. Share 7 things about yourself:

Hmm... what to share that I haven't already spilled all over this blog... Let's see..

I love to shop... I know.. how very generic... I started this blog as a form of a much cheaper... and possibly more therapeutic outlet... and I shop less often when I feel stressed out... or upset...
I am super sensitive... My feelings get hurt very easily... which often results in my over reaction to things/ people... and I can't stand it when people are mad at me... makes me crazy... I get this overwhelming urge that I MUST fix it...
I was/am a neurotic first time mother.... When Lil M was a baby I used to put a mirror on the back of the seat so i could always make sure she was breathing... the first word I taught her was MOM... not because I was desperate to hear my baby say my name.. but so that when we were in the car or anywhere and she coughed... I would know that she was not choking.... I was terrified that my baby would die of SIDS... I used an Angel Care monitor from the day I brought her home....
No. 3 above has obviously led to some major separation anxiety throughout the whole shared custody fiasco... my heart just skipped a beat thinking about it...
I'm empathetic to a fault... when I look at someone who is hurt... I hurt too.... crazy right???
I have a wicked sense of smell.. it's so strange... I have allergies...yet I can smell a stench from a mile away....
Since giving birth to Lil M... my brain cells have never replenished themselves... I'm not sure they ever will.... I find myself lost in major space out "DUH" moments... that hurt my brain.... I'm afraid if I have another child I may become a drooling vegetable....

3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers that I love!

I have 13 (yes I am short 2...)... to introduce you to... that I have come to know and love just recently. I hope you will check them out!

Feminst mom in Montreal Fabulous Mommy to Eliot !
Working Berlin Mum Fabulous Mommy to Milo !
I See Through You Fabulous Mommy to one stinkin cute Parker :)
Just the Things and I Fabulous Mommy to Thing 1 and 2 :)
My Life over at 33 Fabulous and courageous Mommy to Jane and Tyler :)
On the Road Less Taken Fabulous Mommy to Noah fabulous step momma to Abbie-Do and Little-T
Our Korean Life Fabulous Super Mommy to Kason!
Outside Looking in Fabulous Mommy to Avery :)
Raising Annie, Fabulous Daddy to Annie : )
Single Mom Inspirations...Fabulous Mommy to one sweet little girl!
Steen Ink Fabulous Mommy to Molly and Finch !
Tatter Scoops Fabulous Mommy to Lil A
My Future Starts Now Fabulous Mommy to Little One

4.) And pass the good news onto fellow bloggers......

So on to you nominees.... should you choose to accept just do as I have done above... or something like that :) and copy paste the award to your own blog. Congrats to you all... but most of all thank-you for your beautiful heartfelt posting, keeping it real, and inspiring me by opening up your hearts and souls here in bloggy land :)

Hurray for ...

2011-03-05T10:18:00.000-08:00

The weekend... okay not so much!
I used to LOVE weekends... Enter world of divorce, separation, and shared custody.... Then enter weekends spent with daddy and furthermore packed with a hardy helping of a 40 hour work week packed into a 72 hour time span.... which inevitably leads to a recipe which leaves a bit of a bad after taste in this custody sharing mommy's mouth.

So here sits this mommy.... glued to a chair.... in the Big house... of insanity.... cramming 4 days of work.... into 3...

I can still remember Saturday mornings off.... and Friday night out... though they are quickly fading to a distant memory. The friend factor.... the me factor.... has become a thing of the past... Sure... I could try to pack in some social life into the weekdays... but that would require finding a sitter... and friends that want to socialize during the their work week.... and last and least of my desires... to let someone else put Lil M to bed... Still no word on the new position I'm still holding out for.. but I will remain optimistic... things in the government move veeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyy slooooooooooooow.

On the home front... things are wonderful. I've had to work a few weekday shifts here and there... Mr Man helps out when he can....Lil M and Mr Man have truly bonded and are two peas in a pod.. I came home from work last week... and when my last foot hit the top stair I just about fell back down to the first... overcome by fits of laughter.... to a 6 foot something man wearing the following items whilst sitting on the couch clearly trying to blend in and possibly avoiding any additions to his stunning dressup atire... or possibly his 40th Pinkalicious Scrabble match...

Whilst holding onto one of these.....

You laughed out loud didn't you????? Did I mention Mr. Man is one great big burly manly guy? I really thought I was going to fall to my demise in my fit of laughter... and it was at this very moment... when Lil M came skipping around the corner into the living room with a matching ensemble.... and a giant smile on her face.... that I knew... Mr Man had truly won over Lil M's heart... let the blending begin....

I see a happy ever after in the making....for this not so single mommy.......

Shut Your Potty Mouth!

2011-03-04T15:49:00.000-08:00

Late Entry... this was meant for Feb 27th..... better late than never...

It's been a long 3 day stretch.... at work.... and as this place begins to bust at the seams.... with more people who really don't belong here.... that is... their mental capacities are not all they should be to coexist in this place..... (note... crystal meth.... KILLS your brain! and makes some people super mean!) so it has been a bumpy ride... these last few days.... All I can say ... is my name is NOT "FU*K&R! or BUDDY.... but no matter how nice you are to someone who's mental facilities are not there and who speak potty as their first language... well I think you get the picture... (sigh)... This job is truly taxing my patience... and to top it off the we got a huge dumping of snow last night...

On a much happier note.. FP will be coming home tonight... and the ground is covered in snow.... which means we will be building snow people and sledding after school tommorrow. And I have the next 4 days off after today.... so I am ever so excited to have the whole week to take her to and from school.

On a less happier note... I received an invitation to a talent show (held at the church that neither her father nor I attend...against my wishes he allows his mother to religiously educate our child... just had to add that in... its a sore spot)... anyhow... i received the invite at drop off last Sunday... the show was this past friday.... which gave me a whopping 4 days to find a shift trade... which did not ... could not happen.... so I was at work whilst it happened and missed it... thanks for the heads up D-man... and the lovely 4 days notice...

A dream is born....

2011-02-25T17:22:00.000-08:00

Wow.... have I ever been MIA... I spent the week nursing my sweet baby girl.... who has been feverish.... and home from school for two days... It's always difficult dropping her off for the weekend at her father's when she isn't feeling her best. Though I know she was excited to see him... So when I wasn't nursing my sweet girl back to health... I was working on my store.... my dream....and adding items daily..... sewing has become my new ~~addiction~~ hobby and I've taken to not only creating my own designs... but also dabbling in what I have discovered is called "Upcycling".... it's facinating really.... it is the process of taking something used... and refashioning it into something entirely new and wonderful! And it is soooooo much fun.... I've created a whole other blog here... dedicated to chronically my adventures in sewing and creating my own store.... still trying to come up with a label.... hence my slacking here on my blog posts.... coupled with a lack of drama in my life.... (insert supersticious knocking on wood here)....well... better get back to work... feel free to check out my new blog... and tell me what you think :)

Dear Mr. Man... Love your bitchy Valentine,

2011-02-14T21:23:00.000-08:00

So where am I spending my Valentine's Day? At work... graveyard hell... Happy happy happy... day....

I really didn't think this one out too well .... so there will be no romantic dinners.... no sipping of wine... though I did get some of these...

and some of these...

oh.... and a lovely breakfast made for me...

Too bad I spoiled the afternoon with Mr Man.... with my bitchy pre graveyard just about to work 8 out of the last 10 days bitch fest stink a*& tude.... Yes.... I did.... oh yes.... I did.... on this day of all days... Valentine's Day.... and am currently hanging my head in shame.... all is well now.... but I really ....really.... hate how graveyards make me... let me rephrase that (insert me taking responsibility for my crappitude).... I hate how I let myself get.... when I am over worked and underslept.... thanks to ~~shit~~ shift work.

Dear Mr Man, You are sweet, and wonderful, and so amazingly patient and I don't tell you nearly as often as I should..... Thank-you for being there for me unconditionally, for being my best friend and confidant, for thinking I am beautiful when I wake up in the morning, when I haven't slept after a graveyard, and for telling me so every single day. Thank-you for kissing my forehead... yes... you have no idea how grateful I am that you are one of 'those' guys. For being the man who strokes my cheek and brushes the hair out of my eyes only to sweeten it even further by telling me that I am the most beautiful wonderful woman in the world. Not only do you love me... you love my daughter... and she loves you, because you are amazing. You love with everything in your heart and soul.... My dreams are yours and yours are mine. You are my Valentine, today, tommorrow, and for the rest of my life.

Love your Valentine

And the job change venue.... is not looking so good... so I will have to keep looking... and suck it up in the mean time.... where the hell are those rose coloured glasses when I need them...????

FP had a FANTASTIC Valentine's Day... I spent the better part of last night after she went to sleep sewing her a cutie custom red, white and pink outfit with hearts all over it.... super stinkin cute! We made up all of her Valentine's cards and painted a nice big red white and pink heart on her face :) She came home with a giant envelope of cards and a tonne of candy. Apparently this is the custom. I sure don't remember Valentine's day being such a candy craze event way back in my day.... but most of the cards came complete with box of mini chocolates... I'm afraid I missed the boat on that one.... but we did give out the cutest cards! When we picked her up from school... Mr. Man and I surprised her with a little Valentine or two of our own... her latest obsession... webkinz......

One more night.... and I get a whopping 2 days off.... and I am going to enjoy every second of it... Then this month of HELL will be over.... February... has not been good to me... I plan to start off March with 5 full days away from work :)

Happy Valentine's Day all : )

xoxo

Blending... Families... + an Ignoramous!

2011-02-11T00:32:00.000-08:00

Blending... sometimes feels like you are literally doing just that...blending... ice and stuff... crammed between the blades... the makings of a mish mash of left overs.... which will hopefully work its way into a smooth product by the time its done the mixing process...

So I am officially.... in the mix of the blender... please excuse my metaphorical sappy self...

SM is officially blending into our lives.... he is with us more often than not. FP's father and I have been apart for going on 2 years...

And needless to say... it does not sit well with the D-man (though not much does). Every week FP is with me... she is constantly asking about SM... where is he... when is he coming over.... ect... She loves him to bits... as does he... On the flip side of that... when she gets back from D-man's house.... the blender begins to short circuit.... and the lid threatens to pop off and fly across the room...

D-man.... does NOT like SM... as he is all too eager to shrug off his own contribution to the demise of our relationship... he'd much rather focus the blame.... everywhere else... and I accept this....it is the reality..... and I cannot change the brain matter of this ~~donkey~~ man. I'm no fool... I don't expect them to be buddies.... but I do expect FP to be spared from his ignoramousness... It's not a competition.... he will always be her daddy.... noone will ever replace him... Last week D-man sent FP home with a DS... she didn't have any games with her so SM had mentioned he check and see if he could find any for her while he was out running errands... He did... and she was enthralled... So when I dropped her off at her dad's last week... and she proudly told him "SM got them for me"... (she begged to take them to her dad's...SM said he was fine with it... and I really don't like the idea of forcing my child to leave cherished items behind... it's not her fault she has two homes....) But I felt a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach... You see she loves this man... because he is kind... and sweet ... and wonderful.... so she is proud to tell her daddy how wonderful he is to her.... and she does not understand his misdirected anger..... but she feels it... this is for sure...

So when FP comes home... I get the feeling that she has endured the third degree of questioning while at her dad's... it's more than just your typical adjustment period... it seems to take her a fair bit to re warm up to SM everytime she comes home. SM is frustrated... with good reason... as soon as she lays eyes on him... when she first walks in the door... she is cold and distant... a little play chat revealed this past week... that her daddy felt the need to tell her that he does not like SM... when I asked her how that made her feel... she said she just ignores him.... but I know it hurts my little girl's heart when her father acts out like this.... and has conversations with her that he really shouldn't. She shouldn't have to feel like she is betraying her father by opening up her heart to SM...

I did my best to broach the subject with the utmost sensitivity. I told her that it is okay for her to 'love' (her words) SM, and that it is also okay for her to care for people that either me, or her dad don't like. I told her that it is up to her who she cares about, and that the more people she has in her life to love her, the happy her life will be. I also told her that it would be okay to tell her daddy how she feels when he says mean things about SM, I encouraged her to speak from her heart. But her father is a spiteful man so I am sure anything she shares with him about SM and how kind he is to her gets lost in his anger...

So this week when I had to work and SM had the day off... he offered to drop her off at school... but before taking her suggested that he would like to have an open conversation with FP.... I agreed..... their conversation went something like this...

SM: You know FP, I just want you to know that I care about you and your mom very much and I will always be here for both of you. I also want you to know that you can talk to me and your mom when you are upset about anything.

FP: My dad hates you.

SM: I see. Well, that's too bad because your dad does not know me and I definately don't hate your dad. Maybe one day he'll get to know me and he won't hate me anymore. But for now, I want you to know that you can come to your mom or me when you are upset. Sometimes your dad might say mean things about me, and I don't want you to think you can't share those things with your mom and me. Those are not things you should have to feel bad about and keep to yourself. Sometimes people say things to kids that they shouldn't, and if you talk about it it might help you to feel better.

FP: Head nodding.

SM: Do you understand what I mean?

FP: Head nodding and smiling...

She adores SM... she tells him she loves him.... and hugs him... because she has an enormous heart... with lots of room for anyone she meets who is kind to her. Noone will ever take the place of her parents.... so how do I help her father to see that what he is doing to his little girl is hurting her little heart and causing

unnecessary stress upon her..?

I think the talk both SM and I had with FP helped her.... She came around a lot faster... and remained her usual lovable open hearted self.... but I will be prepared to repeat last week... this Sunday eve... and many more to come if need be....

Truly... the only weapon I have, is love.... unconditional love. You see anytime I try to broach the subject with her father it seems to worsen..... so I no longer go there.....I try to teach FP about love and compassion... to model it... and let her know that she should listen to her heart and not be swayed by what anyone else says to her regarding matters of her heart and who she loves... that there will be times in her life when she finds love in others where others such as myself or her father may not share that love and/or adoration.... and that is okay... we love with our own hearts... not with the hearts of others...

Randomness...

2011-02-09T17:17:00.000-08:00

Today is Tuesday, or is it Monday, oh no wait... it's Wednesday...yup, definately Wednesday... Bleh. I ... am at work.... again... double bleh... and ... I am typing... whilst I should be doing something far more productive... with my time... Tomorrow I get to spend 4 hours with my child... 2 in the am... and 2 in the pm... followed by drop off at her father's... and soon after that I will be off to work the graveyard shift... It's been a whirlwind of a week... but we have almost made it through relatively unschathed... and once again... D-day is just around the corner... FP is at home with SM... and I have 2 more hours to go.... so here I sit waisting ~~away~~ ~~company~~ my time.... I'm sure there are far more productive things I could be doing... other than blogging about nothing... a googling..... but none of it appeals to me....... So I dream about my new job.... the one where I have my own office..... however... if... I was fortnuate enough.... to have my own office... which I'm not.... I definately would not hang a sign like this on the door...

But I would definately have a sign that read like this.....

So I've been sitting here... just thinking... of a few things I'd like to say.... but never would... because.. well... I'm ~~sure I'd lose my job~~ polite.... I think anyone who works with a 'challenging' group of ~~misfits~~

'clients' on a daily basis can relate. I've always considered myself to be a 'people' person... but honestly, this job leaves a ~~lot~~ little to be desired... a few quotes came to ~~google~~ mind...today...

While pondering numerous bizarre conversations I had today..... This one seemed to fit... juuuuuust right....

and this one... has been applicable at least 10 times today....

Another day.. another drop off

2011-02-03T05:14:00.000-08:00

At this very moment... I am dreaming about a vacation.... you know... the kind where someone serves you breakfast in bed... where you sleep as much or as little as you choose.... the kind that is littered with over indulgence... complete and totally self absorbed type...

Don't see this happening anytime soon... but a girl can dream...

Still no word on my deployment request... but its only been a few days.. though I am sitting on the edge of my seat... because I really really really really really really.... want this! FP is home... and the week is already just about over..... and already we are approaching another drop off day... ! It's my last night this week with my girl... and I am spending it at work.... Try as I might... plead as I may... I just can't always trade away these awful shifts.... next week isn't much better... 2 long days smack dab in the middle of the week... Bleh!

And onto... a completely different topic.... I opened my blog comments only to discover a fellow favorite blog read Super Sinlge Mom and her Sidekids bestowed a lovely gift to me...

Thanks Crystal Lynn :) Now accepting this award comes with some responsibility... None of which I am prepared to take charge of at 5 am... but promise to do so very soon :) Thanks again Crystal Lynn... if there's anyone up at this insanely early hour.... you must check out her blog :)

Well, I'm off to splash water in my face....

As I sit here I can feel the blood draining from my head.... I should be sleeping...
But instead... I'm here... at work...
1.5 hours to go...

Coparenting... & Transitions

2011-01-29T10:04:00.000-08:00

Well, I am just about halfway through 4 long... very long shifts... and one more sleep til my girl comes home. The last few weeks have been hard. I have missed my friday morning reading dates with my girl, but I haven't been able to go due to the fact that I'm ~~sitting on my ass~~ working... I miss it... seeing FP on fridays really broke up the distance between us when she is with her father. I wish I could call and talk to her, hear her sweet little voice for even just a second.... but I am apprehensive... the last few times I have called her, have not gone well.... she cried....and cried some more... because she wanted to come home... then I got off of the phone.... and cried... and cried some more.... because I wanted her to come home. The last thing I want... is to hurt my baby girl's heart. And on some level I feel like calling her.... is for my own selfish need, because I miss her.... I just want her to know that I am thinking of her.... every second, of every day... that she is away from me. But I don't think her.... or I.... can handle the emotional stress it seems to cause.... when I call her at her father's house. So I frequent ALOT of sites that speak to the transition process... as far as young children are concerned... in my plight to figure the best route... recently I read this article... I have highlighted a few key points... but I run into some dilemmas...

Don't talk down about the child's other parent, no matter how frustrated or angry you become. Talking down about a child's parent is like talking down about part of your own child.

I never do this... although I may vent here on this blog... I will not do this to my child...

Establish a special routine during transition periods. Perhaps play a game or serve a special meal each time your child returns. Kids thrive on routine and if they know exactly what to expect when they return to you it will make the transition easier.

I love this... I am going to get creative and come up with something fun.....

Allow your child to have a transition object. If your child needs a blanket or teddy bear, let them. If the child is older and maybe doesn't want to carry an item that large, help them make one. Maybe pick out some rocks that represent each parent. Have fun designing them so they know which rock belongs to whom.

I have tried to incorporate this... but FP is really against bringing anything 'special' to her dad's... I'm not sure why... but she gets upset if I try to initiate she bring anything special with her... she gets concerned she will forget it there... I don't make issue with anthying she has ever asked to take to her dad's, I actually encourage it... except my Ipod touch... I don't like to part with it...

Call your child every day. You would be surprised at how much hearing your voice and knowing that you are thinking about them means to them, even if they don't say much in return.

Well, I think my dilemna is self explanatory... my heart hurts just reading this line...

Be understanding of their missing things from their other home, including the other parent. All of those things are very real to your child and not having them when they want them can be very frustrating.

I am... I do... I encourage her to call her father anytime she is with me... and I am pretty confident he would never deny her the same. Last week she called and left a message on my cellphone (I was at work)... to make sure I didn't wash her jeans as she had put some 'important' 'stuff' in her pocket... :)

Work with the other parent to establish a few basic routines that are at both houses. For example, at both houses bedtimes should be very similar. Sitting at the dinner table may be something to be encouraged at both houses. Television viewing or video game playing habits could be similar in both homes.

I feel like ripping my hair out when I read this... the last time I tried to initiate some consistency... I was told...

"you don't make the rules for me anymore.. (insert phone click)". You might assume I was being a complete Bi#ch when I received this response... but I wasn't.... truly... so.... I need to get creative I guess... though I am at a loss.... as to how I can get this man on board.. all the while allowing him to ~~think~~ feel like he is in control... I know this is soooo important... on a positive note... FP was on time for school last friday...

Establish some routine for going back to the other parent's house. Maybe develop a checklist. Did you remember your bear, your homework, your library book, your gym shoes etc? Make sure you do this each and every time so it becomes habit. Fewer things will be forgotten leading to less frustration and more responsibility.

I like this one... though nothing really moves back and forth from our households... I've done a lot of double purchasing... so she has pretty much everything she needs already at her dad's. I suppose this will become more significant when she gets older...

Develop firm procedures and rules about what is acceptable about forgetting things at the other parent's house. Are you going to ground your child because he forgot his teddy bear? Will you be driving over to your ex's house to get it at 9:00 at night because your 4 year-old just can't sleep without it? Are you willing to let your child get a failing grade because your ex doesn't follow a checklist and make sure your 5th grader had packed her month-long book report assignment? Make procedures and follow through.

Hmmmm... hurts my head reading this one. And we haven't run into this yet... The teacher gave us an extra red folder (aka, the magic folder which receives mountains of papers and school info) so we each have one since he takes her to school on friday, and I had her father added to the newsletter emailling list.... though he does delete them before reading them...so he's told me... Last week I inquired... and he said he doesn't get a newsletter... though we had that discussion months ago and he said... yes sure... (a common phrase he has always used which actually translates as "BLAH BLAH" I'm not listening to you)... Anyhoo.... I digress... I encouraged him to open his emails before deleting them...... Of course I got another 'yes sure'.... I can only do so much...

If it is possible, keep the communications open with your ex. You won't always agree, but if you are at least communicating you both will always be in the know.

I send significant info via email, but would like to send info with her on drop off days because I think it is a lot easier for him to hit delete... then walk to the garbage can...

If you are able to keep the communication lines open, make sure your kids know this. Have family meetings. Present yourselves as a united front even though you live apart. Back each other up. By doing this you will prevent your kids from trying to play you off each other.

***** this is my coparenting dream.... but I'm not holding my breath...

A letter..

2011-01-27T10:04:00.000-08:00

Today I am linking up with Shell... from Things I Can't Say...

And pouring my heart out... in a letter to the love of my life.... my daughter...

Dear Fairy Princess,

You are light of my life, my sunshine on the cloudy days, my stars on a stormy night, and I love you to the moon and back again... and all they way to the fairy houses baby....

When I wake up in the morning you bring light to my day and warmth to my soul. When I fall asleep at night my heart is filled with love... because of you. The day that you were born, my life began. You came into this world with your eyes wide open and your heart pure and filled with love. And I want to thank you honey for making mommy a better person, for teaching me about love. You have taught me so much about life and love and I live and breathe for you my child. When I brought you home from the hospital I never imagined how life existed before there was you. I watched you sleep, and held you in my arms when you cried from the moment you came into this world. I cherish every second of every day with you my princess. I never imagined the day would come when I would not be able to kiss you good night or hold you in my arms and my heart hurts knowing that the day is fast approaching. Today you will go to your daddy's.

When I am away from you I keep you close to my heart and you are always with me in my mind. I know the separation between daddy and mommy has been hard on you but you have been so brave through it all, a braveness that no child should ever have to endure. You have heard and seen things that have hurt your little heart and put scars on your sweet little soul that were not yours to bare. I wish that I could protect you from all of the hurt in the world, and I wish I had done a better job sheltering you from mommy and daddy's breakup. Being away from you, and not seeing you while you are at daddy's house hurts my heart with a pain like I have never known. When I drive away, I have to search for the courage to put my foot upon that gas peddle because it's just so hard to breath without you sweetie. I just want you to know that it is never easy for mommy to be away from you, and no matter what your daddy has said to you, I never have anywhere else to be, that is more important than being with you.

I will never leave you, and I will never stop loving you. But I must share you with daddy because he loves you too and mommy knows how much you love your daddy. None of this is your fault and I am so sorry that you have two homes now because you never wanted that. I'm sorry my sweet little girl that you have been caught up in mommy and daddy's troubles. They are not yours to have to understand, and you are so young and innocent. You are, and always will be, the love of my life, that will never change. So when you are away from mommy, and missing me, you can look up at the sky, and know that mommy is looking up at the same sky, and thinking of you too. When you fall asleep, and we are not together, you are surrounded by my love my sweet child, that will never change. You will always be my precious sweet child, now, and forever. I love you with my whole heart.

Love your mommy

Changes on the horizon..

2011-01-27T07:04:00.000-08:00

From the artistic memoirs of my five yearold... I'll try not to read too much into this one...

It's been a whirwind of a week... with a few tantrums in between.. I've come to realize.. that shiftwork... sucks... to say the least. I have put in for a new job. Same place... same 'clientelle' different position... I've put it out there... fiercely... now we will see what the universe has in store for me. Although I adore the people I work with... it is time for a change. A much deserved change... with NO more GRAVEYARDS! Which means no more overnight's away from home! I am in love with the notion of being able to be there every morning FP wakes up... and every night to put her to bed...yet still be afforded the luxury of having days off during the week from time to time. So cross your fingers for me... I work within a giant organization that moves only as quickly as it feels like it on any given day so it's out of my hands now... I've ~~schmoozed~~ chatted up the people I need to chat up... and sent the emails to the appropriate people... (insert crossed fingers and toes)!

It's been such a busy week... FP had a major ~~freak out~~ tantrum regarding a coat... yup... a coat... I'm sure it was really just a manifestation of something else... but when we got home from Hip Hop.. (I actually got the time right this time)... she decided that I should take off her coat for her... demanded actually... to which this mommy politely declined... well... needless to say she ~~lost her ever lovin mind~~ didn't like that too much... which inevitably resulted in a full scale ~~freak out~~ melt down followed by a much deserved time out... later followed by some nasty "you're my worst mommy" comments... later folllowed by an "I'm sorry mommy"...good times... good times indeed!

Sunday Drop.. off

2011-01-23T14:33:00.000-08:00

Oh...how I love Sunday... even though I am at work... I was suppose to be working a graveyard shift tonight... but.. being the shift trade pimp.... that I am... I was able to find someone who wanted to go out last night... hence... she is probablly still ~~drunk~~ sleeping... and will be arriving at approximately 6pm to work my shift... as I sit here... covering hers... confused? Me too... ; )... but it all worked out... So I can be home for FP... for the lovely transition night... love em... never know what I'll get... the last few have been good... (insert me.. knocking on wood).. She'll be home at 530... I'll be home at 730... originally I was suppose to start my shift at 6 pm tonight... so... I wouldn't be seeing her until tommorrow morn if I wasn't the queen of shift trades.... and how did I spend the better half of my day......this pretty much sums it up....

This one here says it all... a day in the life... of this working mommy... is not complete... until someone does, or says... something stupid...

Hmmm... how bout that for a Valentine? That's what I got when I googled Valentine... nice... nothing says I love you like a heart...

Note to self

Confessions from a Control Freak..

2011-01-21T17:58:00.000-08:00

Confession #1

I clean, because I am a control freak...

When I feel like I am not in control of my life... which coincidentally, I never am... I mean how can you be? Ever.... completely in control of life.... it just doesn't happen... things happen every day that we are not in control of... add divorce and shared custody to the mix, and well.... that's a recipe for disaster...
But a damn fine CLEAN HOUSE!!!

That's my confession for the day... I'm at work... and should really try to redirect my attention to my work... it's been a crappy day... I'm contemplating a job change... I think it might be time I start moving outside my comfort zone... well.. not too far... maybe just a different department.... one or two buildings away from my current location... I've put the word out.... we'll see what happens...

Lapse in Sanity

2011-01-19T13:14:00.000-08:00

Yesterday... by late afternoon... I had a serious lapse in sanity... Full scale melt down... Thank Gawd I was alone when it happened.. actually.. I take that back.. my mom was nearby.. and probablly felt the house shake... There's something about knowing its payday the next day...and suddenly coming to the realization that no sooner does that paycheck even hit your account ... its G O N E !!! gone gone gone! Nothing says stress you out like a little fiscal shortage... And I am horrible with numbers... so it took me the better part of the day to realize that ... I would be okay... Bouncing back from Christmas has become a daunting task... to say the least... So I picked myself off the floor... removed myself from my calculator and pile of bills around me... and went to pick FP up from school... Last night was hip hop... and she was so excited... that is.... until we got there.. all raring to go... and I realized I was an HOUR late for the class... which would be fine if the class was 2 hours long... but no.. it was OVER! I stood there for second and felt like I was in a haze... where was I... how did I get here.... and why wasn't the universe running on MY time? OMG OMG OMG... I quickly made my exit... and lo and behold... FP started to cry... TOPPER... great topper to an already craptastic day... so we came home, snuggled on the couch... and the tears subsided... and then it came... you know... that monthly visitor... completely caught me off guard... and came on with a vengence... (sorry for the TMI)... and then it all made sense... why I had been weeping for pretty much the entire duration of the day... why I couldn't handle a little (okay a lot) of stress....

So there you have it... my lapse of sanity... and so today... I gave myself a personal day... somehow I just couldn't imagine facing the world of employment... just couldn't spend the day with the mentally unstable... being in the same boat myself... It seemed like a disservice to us all....

So now the bills are paid... the bank account drained... and we will be eating cheerios and pasta... albeit very creative forms... for the remainder of the next two weeks. Thanks to a well deserved personal day... I am doing much better....

My Little Black Book..

2011-01-18T10:15:00.000-08:00

Ahhhh Tuesday...As I sit here... I am forced to look around the kitchen... the sink is full of dishes, there are a pile of Ebay parcels that have to be dropped off at the post office (my attempt at making ends meet)...and the light on the dishwasher is flashing at me as I type this....begging me to put away its contents... when all I really want to do is just sit here.... and do nothing. I have been pretty spoiled in the last few weeks having been able to rearrange my schedule so that I can have the week days off... but tommorrow... that is not the case... and I am dreading it... I know... I know...sniff sniff....whine whine...because most single parents must go off to work every day... and I have been truly blessed. But obsessing over my schedule to make it work for me FP has been my life. From the moment I step foot into my workplace I've got my little black book in hand (aka daytimer) and I spend hours trying to trade my gawd awful shift workers schedule away so that I can be home for FP when she is with me. I've become a shift trading shark so to speak.... It has become my life... consumes me at times... planning my life around shared custody... and it is days like today... that reality sets in... It doesn't always work out as smoothly as I want it to... and so tommorrow I will rise like the rest of the world... entrust my most precious little life force... with someone else.... and head off to work... at the ripe hour of 6am! Shift work is not for the weak at heart... this is for sure. And when I took this job, I did so pre FP. It's one thing to be at work for a 'normal' 8 or 9 hour day... but 12.75... from 6am til 730pm.. is brutal.....So I am taking a moment to feel ~~sorry for myself~~ the effects of it all... the real life affects of being a full time single working mommy.... I give major kudos to all those moms out there who do it every single day.... and even bigger ones to those who do it and maintain their sanity!

I think the part that irks me the most is that FP's father has chosen to take on a shift pattern at his job that entirely precludes him from taking any responsibility during the week... Not that I often ask for help, but once in awhile it would be nice to know that I could rely on the 'co' of this 'coparenting' arrangemnent... You see... shortly after we parted, he decided to take on this new shift pattern that has him leaving the house at 4 am.. a wee bit early to be waking up a 5 year old on a school day.... which he blatantly refuses to do regardless of when I am working graveyard shifts.... and with a finish time of 3pm he is also incapable of picking his child up from school when I am forced... on days like tommorrow... to work until 730pm... So I begrudge him a ~~lot~~ little for being able to have FP all weekend when he is off work... and never helping out with her during the weekdays when I have to work. Makes me wonder what drama might ensue should I decide to take on a traditional monday to friday one day? But I don't... because the one who will suffer the most will be FP... though he would surely be forced out of his little comfort zone and really get the REAL 411 on parenting... But I can't blame him for my choosing to enable him... I was doing it long before we parted ways.... and he was taking advantage of it even longer before then.....I do it for my child... for her comfort and to give her some consistency... but on days like today... I feel like that little black book is suffocating me.... literally sucking the life right out of me... and so my solution... ? Sit here and dream about being a stay/work at home mommy....

Once again I will pull out that little ~~slave agenda~~ black book and rearrange my life for his pending ~~trip to meet his online GF from somewhere in LA~~ vacation. Wonder what he'd do if I informed him that I was going away for 3 weeks and that he would be responsible... solely for our child's care.... ~~crap his pants~~ stress right out I'm sure... but that won't ever happen... there will not be a day when I leave my child for 3 weeks... 2 days away from her is long enough... and I just don't have it in me.... So in a nutshell... scheduling has become my ~~obsession~~ life.... and I am SICK of it. So I will sit here for a few more minutes in pityville and drift off to dreamland... with visions of myself with a baby or two in my arms (insert loud ticking of biological clock)... embracing my dream of being a stay/work at home mom...

Rendez Vous & Sugary Drop offs

2011-01-17T22:40:00.000-08:00

Happy to say that I made it through all 3 graveyard shifts with my mind in tact... well.. pretty much anyhow.. can't say the same for those I left there.... but to each themselves right? Gawd that sounds awful... But after that last night... I'm truly done with that place for a while... I mean... when the clientel start asking for their mother's... whom they are sure are Madonna... and break out spontaneously into song... you know you have a problem... And let me just say... I do NOT work in a mental health facility... and the people I work with are NOT equipped to deal with much of the day to day that takes place at this 'establishment' and I use that term lightly... so it makes for a long night... a playing the 'lets put on our thinking caps" game... and waddle our way through this mess... Good times... I assure you.. were not had by this mommy... But I digress....

So drop off was uneventful... I am happy to say! FP arrived in a cheery mood covered in chocolate sauce and chewing gum none the less... but cheery... But what child wouldn't be cheery when plied with chocolate and candy? Luckily bedtime wasn't a total wash... I prefer those sugar crashes... to occur when she is sleeping... I even got a response to my request as to when FP's daddy was going to head off for his ~~rendez vous with his latin girlfriend on the other end of the Latin American world~~ vacation. So I can re arrange my already ridiculously re arranged schedule some more :)... good times... but on the bright side.. that means I will have FP for 3 weeks uniterrupted... though I know she will miss her daddy... I am so happy to have that time to spend with her.

So on a totally unrelated side note... when I picked FP up from school today... the teacher said goodbye to the kids... and I'll see you tommorrow... and one of the little boys pipes up "C U Next Tuesday Mrs XXXX" for any of you who have had the blessing bestowed upon you to be in the presence of a foul mouthed trucker.. I don't have to tell you what that stands for... Lucky for the teacher she was oblivious... I had to shake my head in disbelief... People seriously... your children listen to EVERY word you say.... and from a kindergartener's mouth... well... ick ick double ick!

I think I am finally settling back into 'normal' routine... its 1030 and I am already sleepy... guess I should head off for some shut eye... I feel a bad case of the sniffles coming on (not the whiney sort that generally seem to take a hold of me)... the real kind... night all...

Surviving the last night...

2011-01-15T22:14:00.000-08:00

It's another day in paradise... as that song by Phil Colins runs through my head... I never did like it... and as I sit here.... contemplating my job choice... It is... in fact... NOT... Paradise... by a long shot. But on the upside.. it is.. my last graveyard this week. Tonight... I'm afraid... although last night will forever remain unmatched for a week or so at best... is not much better than its predecessor... (insert soundless cries).. Well.. that might be a tad melodramatic... but really... why do the ~~crazy~~ unstable... become so much more ~~crazy~~ unstable.. when there is no one to provide medicinal assistance? Did that sound okay? Hmmm... I think this job has made this mommy... a wee tad cynical... But seriously... its like ~~one flew over the cuckoo's nest~~ dominos around here... one goes... and they all go...

Anyhoo... maybe if I stop talking/typing about it... it will all go away... (insert heel clicking + crossed fingers here) So... on the mommy front... FP comes home tomorrow... and despite having to work three gravies this weekend.... have I whined enough about that... did I say it enough times... three graveyards... that's three... wonderous 12.27 hour shifts of forced awakeness... (insert pat on back... here) though I haven't technically completed this here current one... I plan to go home.. get a few hours of shut eye.. then whip my house back into order and await the arrival of Princess :)!

One more sleep to go...

Graveyard Rants!

2011-01-14T22:44:00.000-08:00

Does this picture creep you out? My choice of photos will become apparent by the end of this post.... it's been a disturbing night.... this creepy picture actually made me lol.... I know... disturbing....

On my way home from work this am...after the dreaded graveyard #1... I saw the message flashing on my cell... and noticed a missed call and a message... The message went something like this...

"Hi mommy... I'm calling you because I want to tell you do not wash my jeans... you know mommy.. the ones I was wearing to school today... so please mommy... do not wash my jeans
, because there is some stuff in my pockets and I really don't want you to wash them. Okay thanks mommy. Bye."

Cutest... and a wonderful way to start out my morning... today was a Pro D day... so no school for my peanut.. which means no reading... :( I have to say.. I'm still a little bitter about FP's father making me miss out on the last 2 weeks of reading with her by bringing her excessively late to school...

Drop off was pretty uneventful... FP was very excited to see her father, I am very happy that she has him in her life. I just wish he could muster up a little bit of politeness... to model some healthy behaviour for his child........

3 more sleeps til my girl comes home.... and two more graveyards to go...

Thus far tonight has been extremely eventful.... Wish I could say it was another boring... wanna stab your eye out with a pencil kinda night... but no... I must remind myself.... that nights like this one... are why I am paid well...

So the night began... when one very ~~careless thoughtless~~ stupid ignorant D-Assssss parent of the male variety... thought he would attend a federal institution... reaking of alcohol... to visit his significant other... but wait people... it gets better.... he brought his 4 year old child with him... needless to say... the police were called... and not only did he deprive his child from seeing his mother... his child got to witness his father being interviewed by the police... and then had to wait for someone to come and pick him up.. because his daddy was too drunk... NICE...

And the night goes on... all before 9pm I might add... for Gawd sakes... I've only been here since 6... What the hell!!! Wouldn't you know it... a resident has locked herself in a bathroom whilst she repeatedly throws her head into the wall.... and the kicker..... which somehow got missed during security evaluations of this place.... the door.... it locks on the inside...but cannot be unlocked from the outside... I'm betting that'll change... so I won't bore you with the head hurling details... just know this... It is going to be a very loooooooooooong night... and I think my head hurts more than hers .... ... and I still have 8 hours to endure... (insert big sigh)...

2011-01-12T07:51:00.000-08:00

Couldn't Mommy have just one picture without a silly face ?

Today is officially a ... SNOW DAY!!!! Doesn't get much better than this : ) FP is still sleeping.... though she loves school passionately... as she drifted off to sleep last night we talked of the snow girls + dog ... we were going to make.. : ) I'm sure her dreams were filled with snow thoughts... and here we have it! It has been snowing like crazy over here... two nights past FP and I went up to her school after dinner.... and sledded...Of course she insisted that mommy go down with her... soooooo much fun : ) It really took me back to my own childhood. Every winter we'd head down to our school down the road for some sledding fun! I need to remind myself that life is not just about work, cleaning, and getting the bills paid. FP will not remember these things when she is grown with a family of her own. I am reminded of the importance to not let life pass me by... the days pass so fast, even faster when you are sharing you child with another household.... there are 2 less days to my week with FP... just typing that line I am struck in the gutt with my stark reality............. But I must live for today.... and every so often.... try to view the world through my daughter's eyes. Thursday (aka drop off day) is quickly approaching... and with it will come my descent into the graveyard.............. shift that is.... I've got myself lined up with 3.... ick.... Must work hard to keep sane during the wee waking hours of those painful nights. For anyone who has ever worked this type of shift... I am sure you can identify... with the utter and complete pain you feel at 1 am when you have 6 more hours to go... there's nothing like working this shift... knowing that you can't ~~aren't allowed to~~... fall asleep! It is complete torture! Well... so much for not psyching myself out....

Ahhhh... but it is 7 am... wednesday morn... I am awake because I want to be... everything is still.... my daughter is dreaming in her bed.... and the snow is falling gently outside.... waiting to be transformed into snow people!

On a random note...I took FP out of ballet.... I just couldn't bare to send her again.... her heart was not into it.... yesterday was the first day back after the holidays... did I mention I danced with her in her last class... lol... they invited all parents to come dance with their children. Myself, and one other mom showed up (way to support your kids ladies!) Anyhow... they said that tights and bodysuits were opptional... I opted to completely avoid both! Ick! Nuff said. Anyhoo... it was fun... she loved having me there.... but I can see why she is totally uninterested in this class. She was bored stiff... I'd say this class was more suited to 3 and 4 year olds.... So after a call to the studio.... I am happy to say... My daughter is now a hip hopper!... We had our fist class last night... SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much fun! We'll see how it goes... A former competitive dancer myself... I will not keep her in something she doesn't get excited to go to... because to me... no excitement=no passion... and no passion=no dance : ) So far so good : )

Well... I hear FP stirring... and snow day awaits : )

Because sometimes the grass is greener...

2011-01-08T21:42:00.000-08:00

I've often heard people utter the phrase "the grass isn't always greener on the other side" more times than I can count... hell... I've even uttered it myself...whilst secrety dreaming that in fact would-could be... hell... most days were spent trying to keep the grass on my side from catching fire....

but.... I am happy to say...that the grass is much greener.... on my new 'side'.....2 years later....over in my part of the world... greener and more lush than I ever imagined it could be... I just finished reading a fellow blogger soontobesinglemom's post and it really hit home for me... so much of this post reminded me of myself... pre D... (minus the husband that cooked and did dishes... mine never did much of that)....

Anyhoo... things are going wonderful... I have met the love of my life... I have an amazing daughter who brings joy to my life... I have ~~a great job~~ a job that pays the bills, I have wonderful family, an overall wonderful life...

So why the hell does the D-man still get under my skin.... when will I grow thicker skin... when will I stop seeing the world through rose coloured glasses? I keep trying to take them off... really I do...

Latest drama fest entails the following:

It all started on Friday morning... drop off the previous night had been mediocre.. no melt downs and no rude comments... Yay!

Enter Friday morning... I was at work on graveyard shift until that morning at 7am... then headed home to shower and ply myself with coffee so I could stay awake to go to FP's school and read with her as I have been doing for the last 3 months. I had even told her I would see her the next day when I dropped her off (out of her father's earshot of course... for fear of his sabatoge)... So home I went... drank lots of coffee... and did some sewing to keep my mind awake... then at quarter to nine I headed up to her school... this time I decided that I would take a peek in her window to make sure she was there... (that sound ridiculous I'm sure... but will become clear shortly)..

So look in the window I do... and I did not see my girl... now all the mom's are gathering around the reading rug to read with their children... but not me... I assume the same position as last week... and the week before that...(and a few more before that...) standing outside my daughter's classroom door.... waiting for her to arrive... long after the school bell has rung... so I wait... and wait... and wait... and its pouring rain... so I venture into the school front entrance... and wait some more... and as I wait there... ever so patiently for my child to arrive at school (she is now 30 mins late) one of the helper mom's from another class says hi and asks me what's up... I tell her I'm waiting for my daughter... I don't need to tell you how awkward that conversation was...

So... 30 minutes turns into 40 minutes and now I watch as all of the mothers leave the classroom because reading time is now over... .. my stomache sinks to the ground.. so I check with the office clerk who informs me that noone has called to say FP won't be there today.. or late... The one day I leave my cellphone at home... I thought after the last few weeks when he saw me there waiting for her to arrive... knowing I read with her on fridays... and after having dropped her off late the last 2 fridays... and showing up 3 minutes before reading time ended last friday... he'd show up on time... after all... call me crazy.. but I don't think getting your child to school on time is a choice...

So home I went... sick to my stomache.. and started dialing... I dialed that freaking phone number of his 6 times before he finally took the time to answer it... my opening line you ask.... "why isn't FP at school?" and his response... "click" yes... that's right... hangs up the phone on me.. so I call back again...and he proceedes to hang up on me 2 more times before offering up any information as to the wellbeing of our child...
So he says... "we had a rough late night, we slept in.. we're on our way now..." I ask why he keeps hanging up on me.. his reply... "You are talking to me like a bitch... I'll talk to you when you aren't a bitch"...
Ummm... I just stood in front of our child's school... and waited almost an hour for her to arrive... so EXCUSE me Jackass... for calling to inquire as to her whereabouts and wellbeing... if that makes me a bitch.. I honestly don't give a rats ass!

So back to the rosey glasses... really... what are the odds he is late taking FP to school that many fridays... which he swears is not true...(lies... and says he can't remember being late last week) he tells me that he has only been late twice... well I can tell you for certain..... that standing outside my daughter's classroom every friday morning waiting for her to arrive....... assures me that you are in fact late... far more often than not.. and 5 minutes... okay... but 30 minutes... 20 minutes... and now an hour... Really? That will not be happening again... If you cannot get her to school on time... you will not be taking her at all... I will !

That was a really great way... to end a graveyard shift.... oh what sweet dreams did I have...

Now I am left to reflect upon what life once upon a time looked like with the D-man... it looked alot like that friday morning... and now I can say.... with complete certainty... that the grass...

IS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE!

Ringing in the new year with a pity party..

2011-01-04T11:52:00.000-08:00

Wow... once again time has flown by...where did it go... Christmas has come and gone.. Parties were had, friends visited, and many gifts opened. It was a wonderful holiday, not nearly as stressful as I had thought it would be now that all is said and done. Now comes the part where I get to financially recover from it all.. (sigh).. FP started her first day back at school today. It was a bit of a rough morning...since she didn't get to sleep until around 1030 last night... needless to say she didn't want to get up... she tossed and turned from about 830 last night....but was very excited to go back to school and see all of her little friends.... Christmas Eve sucked... since FP was at her father's... but he did agree to bring her home at noon on Christmas day which of course turned into 1230 (insert mommy waiting patiently by the window).

BF, whom will be from this day forward referred to as SM... that's soul mate... cuz he is just that wonderful : ) (insert warm fuzzies)... came over on Christmas Eve which did lift my spirits and help me step out of my emotional self who was constantly thinking of FP and thinking about how excited she must be to wake up to Christmas day... I was sad to be missing the little things like leaving cookies and milk for Santa... or hearing her squeal when she woke up in the morning... this was the first time I missed this.... and it still makes my stomache hurt to think about it.... which is probablly why I was MIA in the posting department... I tried my best not to go to that dark feeling sorry for myself place... and I made it through okay... I think the firsts are always the hardest... which brings me to birthdays... not my own of course... I realized today that this will be the first year I will not get to be with FP on her 6th birthday...Our day together on her birthday has always been a bit nostalgic for me... but enough of that... to steal a line from the new favorite movie star in our house... "Pity Party Over..." (that'd be Polly Pocket)

So I got a sewing machine for Christmas from SM... and am in LOVE with it... It has inspired me to work my butt off getting my children's clothing store up and running.. now I just have to get sewing some wonderful creations to add to my inventory! Well.... the decorations are adorning the dining room table now... and there are some bins in the garage that are beckoning me to fill them... Here's to a productive day...

Happy New Year Blog friends : )

Call me FAT if you must...

2010-12-21T09:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Donkey,

Call me fat if you must.... even though I am not... because you know weight has been a contentious issue for me since you have known me, and because clearly it makes you feel better to insult me with your fowl mouth, but at least I'm JOLLY! Ho ho ho.... You suck! You're child was sitting on the toilet when she informed me of your potty mouth, how ironic ... I'm not sure why, but this seems to be her thinking chair, she always feels compelled to tell me things when she's on the toilet..... so she called me into the room and informed me "Mommy, I need to tell you something...... do you know what daddy said.....daddy says you are fat." I told her that was a very rude thing of you to say, and asked her when you said that, because I thought that after our last encounter with this donkey bull you know what, that surely she must be still referencing your comment from the past.... but no... "he said it when he was dropping me off and you were coming out of the house mommy the other day"... So mommy asked her how that made her feel... know what your daughter said... she said, "you're not fat mommy, and when daddy said that I told him......

YOU're FAT Daddy, not mommy.. you are fat daddy! (guess that one backfired on you!)
I reminded her that we do not, under any circumstances say these kinds of things to anyone. It is mean, and wrong, and is hurtful. She agreed... and then retorted with her new favorite statement....

Well mommy....you treat other people how you want to be treated!

Yes honey, said I... but that does not give you a license to name call and say mean things to people. Would you like it if someone said that to you? No... you wouldn't.... so we don't say things like that...

Why do you insist on teaching our child to behave like you? To be rude like you? To name call and be judgemental.... to teach her that physical appearance is something we rate people on and berate them on, so that we can feel better about our selves? That's some prime parental skills there buddy! Oh right, because you don't any know better... you never have. Or maybe you do but you are too thick to stop yourself..... But this letter will stay here on my blog. I will not address it with you, because I have in the past, you lied and said it was wrong, you even seemed to feel bad about it... but you didn't. And worse... sharing with you that I know will only enforce your stupidity and goal, to use your child as a conduit for spewing your nastiness.... So I will keep it to myself because our child is not your messenger of evil tongue. Some things never change.... So you continue to act like a donkey, and make an ass out of your self by saying stupid things like that. If I was as immature as you.... my response to you would be... I may be fat but I can lose weight, and you are STUPID, that cannot change.... ASSHAT!

Our adventures at the North Pole....

2010-12-21T08:37:00.000-08:00

There's nothing more magical than the excitement of a 5 year old as Christmas approaches. Wrapped gifts now adorn the base of the Christmas tree, cookies have been baked, the lights are turned on more often than not.... and every morning my little one begs to open a gift.. she always gets the same answer, but she will keep asking...

Yesterday we took a little trip to the North Pole... Not the real one, a magical adventure not far from here, but nestled in the woods of some TOP SECRET location of which I have been sworn to secrecy so cannot ~~remember~~ reveal. One of Santa's 'many' workshops around the world of course, how else do you explain why there was no snow...

Last week one of the girl's from work tipped me off to this place and I couldn't resist. So when FP came home from her father's house we promptly made our way to the mailbox where we found this....

A letter from Santa

and a very special invitation....

A magical invite, complete with secret map, to the North Pole. When we arrived we were greeted by elves, and ushered into the North Pole general ~~money maker~~ store for hot chocolate while we waited for the head elf to scoop us up and take us on our tour of Santa's village.

First stop, the post office where our letter was weighed, to make sure we weren't asking for too many things.... then off to mail it. We then made our way to the elves fishing hole where we fished for some fish (fake ones of course, but to a 5 year old it's all good).

Next stop, the secret school of elf secrets! Where we learned how to jingle bells, sing the toy making song, given elf vision ~~cheap 3d glasses~~ that make everything look sparkly. Then after receiving our 'elf name' we moved along to the toy shop where we made our very own bear which would be waiting for us at the north pole ~~money maker~~ store to ~~purchase~~ pick up.

After that it was on to the wishing tree where we learned how the elves make their wishes..... and made a few of our own. While FP was making a wish of her own, BF and I were secretly wishing the two screaming children in our group would end their tour early....

Then it was on to story time with Mrs Claus. This woman did not dissapoint. We read two stories, and did lots of singing... FP was so enamoured she insisted on a photo. Soooo stinkin cute. I made sure to video both stories so FP could watch them anytime she wanted.

And last... but certainly not least... our private meeting with the big man himself! He was asleep when we got there... FP... was in awe. So after a few calls of his name, what to our wondering eyes did appear... a little old man (not quite as fat and jolly as I had expected) awoke and enchanted my five year old lover of this magical holiday! It made her so happy to have this little visit with the ~~little~~ big man himself, I suppose she didn't notice that he didn't even know her name despite the detailed information they insisted we include with our not so cheap booking fee. But I can overlook that, since my child was clearly in her absolute glory!

For the love of sharing!

2010-12-20T07:42:00.000-08:00

Well, we are officially on the home stretch. Christmas is a mere 5 sleeps away. And lo and behold... FP's father finally found it in his heart to discuss the whole Christmas sharing fiasco... I only emailed him about months ago.... So when he dropped her off.... (without her frick frackin snow boots...but that is another rant)... He says... yah, you can bring her over a few hours later this coming Thursday (it's the date of my work Christmas Kid's Party... that I am putting on... only seems fitting I am able to bring my own child...).. and he says.... he will bring her back around noon on Christmas day.... BUT (insert my eyes are now rolling to the back of my head).... He would like me to bring her to him on Tuesday.... hmmm...... not going to argue in front of FP.... so I let her say her goodbyes and head into the house.... Once FP is playing happily and I get a chance to digest this... I do the math...so he has decided he would like to have her back 2 nights early... in lieu of my getting her back half a day early...being Christmas and all... Um... hold the phone Mr... so he uses terms like... I think that is fair... (2 days for one?) Um... I'm no math genius... but that doesn't make sense.... So I suggest that I bring her back a day early... and then he says... no... never mind... just bring her on the usual thursday eve... WTH? Um... my irrational side wants to enter into argue land... but I resist... So I post my internal dialogue here.... How do you go from insisting that you should have your child an extra night, last minute decision on your part.... to not wanting her any extra nights at all? I don't know why I even bother trying to understand this man..... I really despise quarrels over time spent with my daughter.... it feels.... well.... wrong... and had he had this discussion with me... oh... I don't know... weeks prior to last night.... and I hadn't planned my entire life around the dates I have my child.... it might have been workable... But really? Grrrrr!

So the boots.... yes... this is such a ranty icky post I know... well... he asked if I would send her in some boots, snow boots, because he doesn't have any for her... so I did, attached with a plea to pulease return them as they are the only ones we have.... because he was planning on taking her sledding... well.... neither happened.... and now the boots sit in her classroom for the entire duration of this two week long break from school... Great! Good times.... Moral of this story..... when someone suggests something to you..... LISTEN... ! If you are reading this sister... you were right....!

9 days left?

2010-12-17T21:33:00.000-08:00

wow... where has time gone? There are only nine days left until Christmas....These holidays are kickin the crap outa me...But I will come out ~~broke~~ on top....! My party.... was awesome : ) It was so amazingly wonderful to connect with my girls... I've missed them terribly and am reminded of just how much I need the balance they bring to my life. I am blessed to have such wonderful women just a phone call away.

This past week, was awful to say the least. Out of 4 days, I put my darling sweet child to bed.... ONCE! It hurts my insides just to type this. Yes indeed it was a very bad week! It's just the way my work week litterally 'worked' out... couldn't trade a few shifts so got stuck on evenings... so I was able to drop her off at school, but by the time she was out of school, I was already at work, and not home until 11. I am so glad that is over. This mommy did in fact silently cry herself to sleep last nigh : (

FP is at her daddy's tonight.. I dropped her off yesterday. So I went about my usual routine this am and was off to read with my girl. I always wince a little because she usually shows up with food on her face, dressed in the same clothes from the day before, in the same hairdo... but well... not the same do... if you know what I mean. This day wasn't... or so I thought... so bad.. because it was pajama day... all he had to do was let her ~~stay in~~ dress into her pj's... and hair.. well... didn't really matter since it was pj day... So I arrived after the bell rang... went to her class.... looked around... unable to locate my child. Hmmm... this is the second time this has happened... so I went to the front door... cell phone in hand fighting back the urge to call and ask where the hell they were? but I managed to fight it back... choosing instead to wait out the 20 minutes of lateness he was... Thanks D-man... so I got to read to my daughter for a whole whopping 5 minutes! Bleh, you have her one flippin school day a week.... and since I started reading with her on fridays, (in one month) this is the second time this has happened! Grrrrr

But in the spirit of Christmas, I have so many wonderful and magical surprises in the works which I will be revealing very soon : ) I am at work right now... one more hour to go! And 2 more sleeps til my girl comes home!

Creating our own holiday chaos...

2010-12-10T09:29:00.000-08:00

Am I out of my mind... sitting here thinking of all of the things I have yet to pull off this holiday season... there are only 15 more sleeps until Christmas... I have created my own chaos.... I cannot complain.... but I will anyway...l.... But so far so good... I have managed to hold it together thus far.... and I love having myself surrounded by holiday traditions.... good food... great people.... and gifts : ) We picked up this great fabric advent calendar a few years back... LOVE it... I purchased some chocolates from Purdy's which fit ever so perfectly in each slot, and there is a snowflake attached to ribbon so FP can be sure she hasn't missed out on a chocolate. Let me just say sorry to her teacher since the entire month of december... well.. up until the 24th anyhow... all breakfasts will be followed by chocolate... hmmmm... didn't I post a public finger shaking at my ex for feeding our child chocolate for breakfast not too long ago... so does December count? Anywho... in taking inventory of my to do's I find myself feeling a bit ~~in need of a few glasses of wine~~ overwhelmed.. by this single mommy's to do list... I'm posting them so as not to forget any... and as an accountability of sorts... of the potential need to eliminate a few of these items next year should I ~~have a nervous breakdown~~ suffer from debilitating exhaustion by the end of the holiday season...

Decorate the house, inside and out (done.. though I keep finding more decorations in my garage)
Clean the house (a never ending task)
Shop for ~~and find money to pay for~~ gifts... (a few gift purchased...still scraping together money)
Photos with Santa (done)
Host annual Girls Christmas party (one more sleep)
Clean the house.... (bleh)
Make gifts for girls annual Christmas Party (done)
Take FP on a lights tour at the local garden club (must find some time)
Shop for party ~~wine~~ food... (done)
Make cards (done)
Clean the house (bleh bleh)
Purchase baking supplies ~~premaid cookies~~ then bake ~~decorate and pass them off as my own~~ (done)
Host, Plan and deliver work kids Christmas party (purchased some gifts, booked the room, paid the deposit)
Make a gingerbread house with FP (done)
Clean the house ( bleh bleh bleh)
Attend School Play (done)
Shop for Family Christmas Dinner... (turkey's keep getting more expensive every year)
Host Christmas Family Dinner (16 more sleeps)
Clean the house... and take down the gazillion decorations which currently adorn our home... inside and out.... (this is the task I dread the most...)

#1 Check

I scaled the roof all by myself,

twas a proud mommy moment

# 14 check

20. And last... but not least.... fill up this wine rack, because by New Years day I might be hiding in the corner with a few bottles...lol

He pushed me down!

2010-12-09T09:29:00.000-08:00

My poor huuuuuunnnnnnie... When I picked FP up from school the other day she had a bandaid on her hand... when I inquired... she informed me that she was going into the school to go to the bathroom when a little boy came running by her and reached out his arm and shoved her to the ground : ( She cut her hand on some rocks and ran to the 'DUTY MOM' (mom's who monitor the playground during lunch and recess)... She said she was okay, but that it really hurt... Why would he do that mommy? Me: ~~because he's a JERK...~~ I guess maybe his parens did not teach him how to behave very well... or how to treat other people... unfortunately in life you will come across people who do NOT know how to treat others... that is sad isn't it? FP: Yes mommy....it is sad...

Really... is it wrong that I had the urge to seek out this little boy and ~~shove him back~~ give him a good lecture and tell him that he better never touch mine or any other kid again? GRRR... of course there was no recourse... the duty mom just went and got her a bandaid... Maybe that'll be my next volunteer job... duty mom... and were I the duty mom.... there would have been a line up involved... which would've taken place at an assembly.... a public spectacle of sorts... to find this bully of a kid... okay... not really... but really... I don't imagine a couple of mom's are capable of watching all of the kids at once... maybe I'll join the PTA and start a fundraiser to get cameras installed... that oughta sort out the bullies... okay... maybe not... it must be the prison guard in me talking... lol... but seriously... Nothing prepares you to deal with having to expose your children to the less than functional people in this world.. no matter how small they are.... : (

On a much sweeter note... FP had her big show yesterday... her first big debut on a 'stage'... she was so excited.. because she was going to sing... and wear her 'fancy clothes'...Cutest... and this mommy was there front row seats : ) Daddy wasn't there... I have to say I was a bit surprised... I didn't think he would miss it... But I have made sure he receives the monthly newsletters from the school... with all of the details regarding everything that goes on regarding school events and such... I told him when I had him added to the mailing list that I would be leaving it up to him to be informed... he agreed.... I think he deletes them without reading them... kinda like he does with my emails.... You know how the saying goes.... you can lead a ~~donkey~~ horse to water but you can't make them drink.... (sigh)... sorry daddy missed out honey...

Last night as we lay in bed.... just before she drifted off to sleep...

FP: Mommy, how did you think I did in my show today?

Me: You shone like a star honey...

FP: I love you all the way to the moon mommy... and back...

A little glimpse of FP at her "Big Show"

You're crafty self...

2010-12-08T09:42:00.000-08:00

This Christmas... I decided to get back in touch with my crafty self... lol... It's something I love to do... yet I haven't been able to get back into for quite some time. I still have the fondest memories as a teen, spending time with one of my oldest and dearest girlfriends... her mom was a crafty lady who made many of her Christmas gifts... of which I was always the lucky recipient of... I always remember loving those gifts... they were always my favorite, because I knew the hours of hard work that went into them... So in honour of this... FP and I spent time making beeswax Christmas tree candles, and home made cards... next week we tackle baking... not one of my strong suits... I have been known to purchase plain cookies from Costco and decorate those to avoid the measuring cup.. : ) So without further adieu ... here... is a little sample of Christmas at Moo's Mamma's house... with a hint of craft... : )

Found these amazing giant red and silver balls. Red and silver all the way : )... Complete with berries, bows, and what tree would be complete without the Santa Express screaming around the base of the tree : )

Did I mention its fake? Oh yes.... It's been up for nearly a month now... : )

Some cards we made...

Our bees wax Christmas tree candles... mmmmm.... I can smell them from here. When I picked up the wax the lady (aka bee keeper we met from FP's Preschool field trip last year), told me all about the wonders of bees wax... apparently they have amazing health benefits when burnt... seems the wax when burnt draws in bacteria and harmful spores in your air... and get this... neutralizes them so they are no longer harmful... or something to that effect.... All the more reason to burn candles : ) LOVE THEM!

The Snowflake card.. my fav

The stocking card...

And envelopes to match....

I'd love to hear more suggestions..... from all the crafty moms out there.... 3 more sleeps til my party....

Party time....

2010-12-05T06:29:00.000-08:00

Late post... in my effort to post more regularly... I neglected to send this post last night....

I'm on my last sleep til my princess comes home (insert big grin). I'm happy to say that I have broken up my 2 days of not laying sights on my girl down to 1... it still sucks... but an improvement for sure.... Since her daddy takes her on thursday nights.... I've started volunteering at her school on fridays... and she loves it : ) At first I was a little worried she might get upset when I left... but she is so well adjusted at school.. she loves it soooo much... that when I leave (when the other mommy helpers leave)... she hugs me and goes on about her day... happy as can be....it is soooo much fun : ) We spend about half an hour reading to the kids... and then there is baking time : ) Love it : ) It really breaks down the weekend for me.... so Saturday is really the only day I don't get to set sights on my girl.

On a side note... I am planning my coming out party..... and by coming out I mean.... coming back out of my shell that is... lol.... It seems that when I count the years I have been away from some of my closest girlfriends... well... I shutter to even try to count the years... far too many... So I am having a P A R T A Y!!!
What better time of year to surround myself with some of those nearest and dearest to my heart : ).... And during this time of year I could sure use it... more than ever........ There's about 8 girls so far coming over... for drinks, appies... and a whole lotta catchup : ) So much to do... so many details to iron out... : )

I will be hunting down some bees wax sheets to make these beautiful party gifts for my guests....

Plus a little of this...

Followed by a bit of this.....

Should make for some good laughs..... : )

Snow + Santa + Reindeer = FUN : )

2010-12-01T22:49:00.000-08:00

It snowed last week... so we spent some time playing in it after school...and when FP came home from her dad's it was all gone : ( Needless to say I sent her sled.... with a request for it to come home (she begged to take it).... and alas... she arrived home.... without the sled.... No surprises there... (insert long sigh)... So we made a trip to pick up a few gifts at the mall... and when this little girl layed eyes upon the Santa booth... well... let's just say there was no turning back... I couldn't resist getting a few wallet photos.... this being her first official trip to see Santa this year... and of course the most important one : ) Hair was not done... clothing was... well... not the traditional Christmas atire.... but oh well... she was mezmorized... and you just can't beat that : ) Our local mall has been using the same Santa for years now... real beard and all...

Oh the joys of the holiday season.... shared parenting has shed a whole new light on the holiday season.... Last week she said to me...Mommy, where will I be spending Christmas night this year... where will I be waking up? I cleared my throat, swallowed my urge to burst out into tears... and reminded her that she would be waking up at Daddy's house this year, and that her presents from Santa would be waiting here for her when she arrived home... She just smiled and went about what she had been doing... sharing custody .... BLEH BLEH BLEH!

Oh Mommy.... let me pose with the reindeer guy... take my picture...!

Take another one pulease!!!

The white bearded hero!

A Ramble...

2010-12-01T20:34:00.000-08:00

This sweet little girl of mine never ceases to amaze me. She is delighted by the simplest things in life. Yesterday she took over the camera again.... so she could photograph those simple things in life that make her smile. My camera now photographs with a slight blur at the top of the screen... dropped a few times I'm sure... Today I asked her if she wanted to be photographer when she grew up... I told her what that meant... and she has decided to add that to her list of career aspirations.... yes... my child wants to be a cheerleader, a mommy.... and a photographer... lol....

Poor little peanut arrived home safe and sound... but sick.... I was at work... so grandma was there to receive her... she hasn't been at school yet this week... last night she had an awful fever... poor little peanut. Last night she announced to me that her daddy told her she was not allowed to change her name... seems she announced at the dinner table that mommy is changing her name... to match mine... (I never said that....though she has her own little mind... and interprets things as such).... daddy didn't like that much...

Here are are a few photos that FP took yesterday....

The cherished baby pooh on his turtle... that we are forbidden to donate... one among many...

Closeup of the dancing singing Christmas tree....

Good Old Santa....

Dancing tree... and wooden tree...

Captured Santa...

Christmas decorating... FP style...

The beloved wooden play set...

I Hate Thursday...

2010-11-25T22:56:00.000-08:00

Ah... the graveyard shift... we meet again... it's been awhile... and I have enjoyed your absence but alas I could not evade you for much longer.... As I sit here... staring shear bordedom in the face... I reflect upon yet another Thursday .. almost gone by...

Today... was the dreaded drop off day. I dread it each and every week...

Some weeks it seems to come much faster than others... this... was a speedy week... it seems strange.. that I can have an entire week with my child... that is... Sunday through Thursday night (shared custody style)... yet feel like I don't really get to spend much time with her. Because she is in full time kindergarten... Away all day.... I guess that's why it flies.... We have mornings... and evenings... I miss her so much when she is at school...What would I give for a Sunday morning waking up with my girl to a lazy day of PJ's and cartoons...
Note to self.... start volunteering at school... once per week....

It was a beautiful day... the morning unveiled a blanket of snow... and the afternoon was an early dissmissal followed by a trip to the school's book fair... and a routine meeting with FP's teacher. She had nothing but wonderful things to say about my girl... she's smart.... : ) Knows far more than required.... and always happy to be at school : ) We finished off the school day by playing in the snow and sliding down hills : )

Drop off day went sorta smooth.... few words exchanged as per usual... still no word on Christmas...

3 sleeps til my girl comes back home...

Time flies...

2010-11-24T06:32:00.000-08:00

Wow... where on earth have I been? I don't think I have ever gone so long without posting. Could it be that life is just so dreamy and perfect that there is simply nothing to gripe about... could it be that my prince charming has swept me off my feet and I have been in la la land... or maybe I won the lottery and have been off basking in the sunshine on some private island...

Um.... ya no... well... half no.... Not a whole lot to gripe about here... or maybe I've just chosen to stop whining for awhile..... The last few weeks seem to have breezed by though they weren't breezy by any means... My prince... well... he's wonderful.... though he has taken to working an extra job... with a friend who owns his own drywalling company.... because... well... he's driven that way... so not a whole lot of hot date action... lol.... but we enjoy the few moments we have....

FP has been doing wonderfully well... she struggles with patience these days..... I'm confident she sufffers from the only child syndrome...

I haven't heard much from the D-Man... nothing donkeyish that is... and well... sometimes no communication is good communication... I suppose... unless of course you are trying to figure out what the holidays are going to look like. Seems he'll wait until the last minute to fill me in on those details... (sigh)... some things never change......

The house is in full scale decorated mode... The tree is trimmed (in all of its fake glory)... the lights are halfway up the house.... and I have purchased all but.... 20 gifts or so.... but hopefully I'll have made a dent in that by mid day....

Sooo... that about sums it up... FP is sleeping still.... my sweet baby girl.... we have a playdate after school today....

Raising my coffee cup to a smooth transition day tomorrow... the last few weeks have been touch and go... it's so hard to let them go when they beg to let you stay.... : ( Sharing Sucks!

Donkey Roadblocks...

2010-11-08T13:04:00.000-08:00

Well, FP is at school. I am so grateful that I am able to take her to and from school all week.. I love being there for her.

I am feeling frustrated though... and working through issues about my ex... as per usual... I come here to rant and rave and issue virtual sad face stickers on the d-man's virtual behaviour chart.   He's reached an all time new LOW.....

I know in my heart that I am providing my daughter with a happy, love filled, safe and secure life. Enter boyfriend, I will refer to as MW, that's Mr. Wonderful : ) I haven't talked much about him... it's been a very gradual integration..... and FP and he have established a genuine bond. I am so grateful to have someone wonderful like him in my life. And although it seems we often don't have as much time together as I would like.... I still don't want to rush things with him and FP, though the bond between them developed quite quickly because... well... he's wonderful.... as is she... so I can't say I was surprised at how quickly my little girl fell in love with him. She met him in the summer. It was a very slow introduction because I felt that I needed to spend extra time with FP as she is still adjusting to the changes in her life and well.... myself... I don't handle too much change too fast.... all that well. With that said, we've had some fun outings, and started spending a bit more time together... Needless to say... her father (though he has a girlfriend of his own now) has decided to make good on his past promise to me... to ensure that his child knows she doesn't have to give any respect to BF, and that as she put it "daddy says I should stop loving (BF)"... She shared this with me last night of her own will. I'm not quite sure where it came from, but it must have been troubling her for her to feel the need to share it with me. It makes me sad that he would impose his own issues upon his child. I really wanted to believe it wasn't true when he denied it after I emailed him to confront him... but deep down inside I know it is likely the truth. After all... he already made threats of this several months back.... She then proceded to tell me that it hurt her heart that daddy said this to her and that he must have said it because "daddy is angry at you mommy".    To tell a five year old that she should stop loving someone, because you don't want her mother to be with that someone, is wrong. If and when FP does meet his GF, I will teach her to love and respect anyone who treats her with love and kindness. That is the bottom line. To try and poison your child for your own personal issues is just wrong. It meant the world to me that my child could embrace anyone I introduced into our lives..... but he is intent on destroying anything I have. Yes, this from the man that told people he'd love for me to get back together with him, so he could have the opportunity to make my life a living hell!!!

Just a few weeks ago I was on the phone with BF and FP came up to me and asked who I was talking to. I told her, and she says "mommy, tell BF I love him"... just weeks before that, as he was leaving after dinner, she ran up to him and hugged him. So now my little girl has gone from this to being stand offish and now telling me this. Now it all makes sense. So how on earth do I combat this. I have thought long and hard about it, fired off some awful email exchanges which ended like this...

Dman:   yeah i'm not wasting my time getting into this nonsense with you.....get a life.......

Me: done

I've spent the last 5 years making sure my daughter is happy and thriving and will continue to do so.  But now I choose to give a bit of the same to myself, only to be hit by the same old donkey roadblock. I suppose the best I can do is address it with FP to the best of my ability, and then ignore him....and let her come to her own conclusions... but I can't help but feel sad that my little girl would ever be put in the position to feel as though she has to choose between her father, and caring for someone else. She is the sweetest little girl in the world with an enormous heart full of love. Why would anyone want to take that away from her?

Drop off day..

2010-11-08T07:04:00.000-08:00

Late Post...

Well, another Sunday is here and FP is just minutes from arrival. Can't wait to hold my little girl in my arms. I can't think of a better way to start off my week. So I sit here on my bed... eyes peeled to the window...patiently awaiting... hoping all is well in her sweet little world....It's been a hard weekend.... as per usual her father has kaiboshed any contact I could want to have with her while she is in his care. I still can't understand it... okay... I get what he tells me... that he doesn't "bother me" when she is with me... but the thing is... I don't ever consider it a bother.... I mean... why would I prevent him from touching base with his child when she is in my care...? I'm sure she would love to hear from him when she's with me... let's her know he is thinking of her. So it has been another painsteakingly long weekend.... yes I was at work... and keeping busy.... working nightshift.... but there is no distraction great enough to take my mind off of my child.... I leave and breath that little girl.... she is my world.

So she arrived home. No pants of course....grrrrrr. I guess my first mistake was asking him to put pants on her...silly me...I should know not to make such requests... they always get ignored.... so I will be out my 20th pair of pants now because call me crazy... but when it is freezing cold out.... I refuse to send my child outdoors without pants just to make a point......

When he drops her off he does not let her run and jump into my arms.... he hugs her tight for what feels like an eternity despite her little hand that is reaching out for me....and tells her over and over how much he is going to miss her.... blah I hate drop off days....

Positive Coparenting....

2010-11-05T01:51:00.000-07:00

So I'd like to start out this post with a loud shout out to JENN at rockstar coparenting! If you haven't checked out her site you should : ) so go here and check out her site : ) A coparenting single mamma herself... I am always grateful for her great posts and thought provoking insights : ) Did I mention I won my first giveaway from her site? Yup... my first... and quite possibly the BEST giveaway... the Giveaway of GIVEAWAYS! I won my very own copy of Positive Co-Parenting by April Zacher! Thank-you thank-you thank-you : ) If you are interested then check out Jenn's post about this great book here..... or go here for even more information. Stay tuned for my own review : ) I'm still working my way through the last book I ordered 'divorce poison'... and am really looking for a bit more of a hands on practical tool...

On another note...Drop off day was today... well... I guess if I were to be technical it would have been yesterday... since I now sit here at work being 134 in the am.... I'm struggling to stay awake... It went... well... without so much as a word. Ah the silent treatment..... is so much better than the alternative. For the first time I am welcoming the silent treatment embracing it so to speak (pardon the punn)

So I've somehow managed to make it through day one of my child sharing hell... (just a touch of drama).... and am now officially onto to day 2... which means there are precisely 2 more sleeps til my girl comes home. It was a pretty quiet week.... I have lots planned for the coming week... All of the Halloween decorations have come down... with the exception of a few ghosts lingering in the tree in the front.... There will be playdates, and a stat holiday which I have been fortunate enough to be given off... : ) That equals one full day off with my girl.... thank goodness for statutory holidays : ) What more could a girl ask for... a free day off.... that's time off... with pay : ) though I do fear I will be warding off the requests to drag the Christmas decorations out of the garage....

A fairy princess... and a ramble..

2010-11-02T11:28:00.000-07:00

My little Fairy Princess

Well drop off day has come and gone... and I am grateful to say that my princess is home. We had lots of fun hittin the streets and collecting candy. As I sit here typing this post my eyes are constantly diverted to the bowl full of candy on my counter. I'm not much of a candy conoseur but when it is sitting in front of my face... well... I'm avoiding temptation...It's been a quiet week thus far (knocking on wood). FP is loving her ballet.... but the fees sure do add up fast... November is costume fee payment month... Sure wish I could have gotten off my butt and done some fundraising... Too bad they only gave us a couple of weeks to do it : (

Somehow between managing the magic red folder and my own schedule... the whole fundraising bit ran short... well... I hear the washer calling my name... and a tonne of Ebay listings to get going... here's to a happy week : )

Days gone by..

2010-10-30T11:36:00.000-07:00

Where have the days gone.... I was sure I was going to get to a happy healthy post.... but let too many days slip by and well... this post is well overdue... I had a great week with my girl.... but as usual... it flew by.
Drop off day was civil. A few words were even exchanged... nothing rude... that in itself... is a milestone...

Recap of my week included candy apples, stuffing of Halloween Goodie Bags, pumpkin carving, evening walks admiring all of the Spooky Halloween themed houses in the neighborhood and last but not least.... turning my front yard into semi spookyville... : ) Did I mention I love Halloween?

So in the front yard sits this.....

Inflatable witch sitting on cauldron : )

Which is surrounded by these.....

For the pumpkin patch effect : )

With some of these thrown in for good measure....

a whole lot of carved pumpkins and orange lights : )

A spookified house : )

A Ghost in my house? Is that the best you can do?

2010-10-26T13:55:00.000-07:00

I really wanted to start this week off on a positive note... I will get there... really.... but before I do that... welcome to my vent session... well... a letter of sorts that will never find its way to the D-man... because... let's face it... if he's pissed me off or stressed me out.. well... in his eyes... I'm pretty sure he's accomplished something.

Dear Ex,

Get drunk on your own time, I hated hearing my daughter utter the words "I got to have a sleepover mommy because daddy drank too much and couldn't drive us home"... the fact that she even knew that (and I don't care how drunk or undrunk you were..)... is disturbing... but as usual I focused on the good for her... not lingering in any way on the 'daddy drank too much' part... and told her I was happy she was happy to have a sleepover... but really... when I am sitting at home... missing my child.... and now get to envision daddy dearest tying one on whilst she is in your custody, I get sick in the stomache. But hey... at least you were smart enough to not drive with her.... Oh, and telling your daughter there is a ghost in mommy's house... really? You're an idiot of the finest degree... not sure which is worse... you scaring her with your idiocy.... and having to field that inquiry... "mommy, do we really have a ghost living here?" or having to respond to "mommy, daddy hates you"? Bleh bleh... BLEH! And due to the fact that you call me names referring to me as 'manipulative', in front of our daughter, making drop offs such a pleasure.... we will not be going trick or treating together..... that's right, because while it may be a good thing for our child to have us both with her on days that are special to her (like the birthday party I invited you and all of your family to), I do not think it is in her best interest to witness your inability to hold it together when we are in the same room.... you see she is a lot more intuitive than you give her credit for, so we can both do without your snide comments and bullsh*ttery!!!! oh, and thanks for not contributing to her dance classes, and for getting other people to call me and make requests on your behalf because you can't be bothered to do it yourself, and you are welcome for getting to drop FP off to my mom, whom I'm sure you felt great about seeing after the comment you made....

PS you suck!

Your's truly, The Manipulative Ghost Keeper

On a nicer note...FP is home and has settled in beautifully... I haven't seen any tantrums (knock on wood) in a very long time.....the pains of transition day seem to have subsided...she's sleeping in her own bed...through the night, following her routine wonderfully... happy as a lark.. a complete joy : ) Happier more up beat donkeyfree posts to follow. Life is wonderful and I remain grateful to be blessed with such a wonderful child who brightens up my day : )

If you can talk... you can breath

2010-10-24T17:28:00.000-07:00

Well, as I sit here at work, I find myself counting down the minutes to the arrival of my little peanut home : ) Can't wait.... just minutes to go to go. Wish I could be there to greet her as she comes in the door, but I'm stuck here at work until 715. Needless to say I pulled a very long and painful shift yesterday from 1030am til 1030pm... that hurt... but what hurt even more was the turn around of having to get up this am and come back here for 630 am... yup i am T I R E D. On the bright side... I won't have to deal with the awkward silence from the D-Man. And that.... is a good thing.

Not much going on over here.... just a lot of sleepy unmotivated people... lounging around... ready to look busy should the super make his way in our direction. I have been here since 630 and have managed to evade any substantial dramatic events... aside from the woman who claimed she couldn't breath and insisted she be taken to the hospital.... I found that one exceptionally funny.... since she stood there and talked to me for 15 minutes without so much as a gasp for air... yup... vitals looked pretty good to me.... I had a really hard time holding back.... not to minimize... okay... maybe just a bit... but really? If you can talk... you can breath...if you can carry on a conversation for fifteen minutes.... and are not under any diress... I think you are probablly okay.... now she's playing cards.... wow... talk about a break down in communication.... this is just a snap shot of where I work... the communication skills round these parts.... not so good... for this particular woman.... complaining that she can't breath.... when clearly she can.... was her way of securing a game of cards with someone who was planning to do something else.... ? Hmmmhmmmm.... doesn't make sense to you? That's a good thing : )

Thank-you for clarifying for me why I will NOT be spending the rest of my life with you.

2010-10-23T08:52:00.000-07:00

Bleh it's Saturday... I used to love the weekends... now I just work them... every frick frackin one of em! Don't get me wrong... I am so grateful to the wonderful crew of people I work with who gladly trade away their weekend shifts so that ~~they can spend them with family and friends~~ I can have my weeks with FP.... But when you miss every single birthday party or weekend function.... it starts to drain on you. I'd really love to be alble to take FP to the weekend birthday parties she has received invites to... she's missed 2 out of 2 school invites so far... cuz her daddy didn't want to take her... and today I will miss another since my scheduled shift starts in 1.5 hours... bleh bleh...and to top things off... d-daddy is being a royal jerkis... When I dropped FP off at his house on Thursday night he didn't say a word to me... not that I am a stranger to the silent treatment... I did after all spend the better portion of a decade of my life being subjected to it... but when you go 2 full days without any contact with your child... and you are trying to coparent.... silent treatments become a little mundane... to say the least.... and I could really do without the nasty emails.... knock on wood it has been 5 days since the last email I received that was littered with word 'bitch' in it... thank heavens for small favours... Some days I feel like taking each of those emails (yes I save them all... and there are many) and putting them on a schedule where I have one a day returned to him, via email... as a quaint reminder... of the nastiness I have had to endure... You see he is the type, that will muster up the most intense degree of nastiness, and then send it to me via email (not so smart I might add, since it is easy to keep each one of them), and then tell me down the road that he usually regrets the nasty things he says/writes. So does that make it okay... to be nasty and abusive....? Does that make it any less harmful, when you continuously beat someone down with your words if you sluff it off because 'you know I am always sorry after I have said it?' I have listened to that excuse for over a decade of my life... and I didn't think it was okay then.... and I don't think it is okay now.... if all you have to do is say sorry for your devil's tongue....and then just expect it to dissappear.... then where is the onus? At what point do you take responsibility for the crap that comes out of your mouth...? He never changes... I am an optimist at heart and always like to give the benefit of the doubt... so I will put up with a lot of bullSh*t... but I am T I R E D... of hearing the same old excuses... and the nastiness flows from his mouth like a river... its mean, and its abusive.... anyhoo... I'm rambling... just really annoyed that tommorrow he will be all nicey nicey and pretend that he didn't say the mean things he said in this most recent email... and then has the nerve to refuse to talk to me in regards to our child? After all.... the only person he is hurting is our child.... What a bunch of donkey cr*p! I don't respond to those stupid emails... usually.... though when he spouted off the B word... in one particular email... it got the better of me... and he received a ONE LINER that went something like this...

Thank-you for clarifying for me why I will NOT be spending the rest of my life with you.

Beauty..

2010-10-21T12:29:00.000-07:00

Beauty is all around us.... sometimes you just need to open your eyes to see it... went for a walk today with the Hoover... and discovered yet another reason to be grateful... just steps from my own front door... is a beautiful world... nature at it's finest... untouched (well almost... aside from the lovely trail that is partially groomed for those who love to challenge their quads : )... It was mostly uphill... a workout for sure... where the trees seemingly reach up to the heavens and leave below them a blanket of leaves. Beautiful... Here are a few photos I took along the way....

This is the view from the top..

It's been a wonderful day so far... FP had a play date with one of her besties : ) yesterday... they had so much fun. We baked some heart cookies and they played their hearts out.... her little guest was amazed at FP's 'collection' of toys.... it's a bit ~~disturbing~~ overwhelming to a sweet little girl who shares a room with her four year old brother and baby sister I'm sure.... I keep reminding FP that before any new toys enter that ~~toystore~~ playroom... we will be putting together a collection for other little boys and girls less ~~spoiled~~ fortunate.. Christmas is coming (sigh... but that drama will be saved for another post)... Today FP will be going to pappa d's house... (insert sigh).... I'm just gonna enjoy what's left of the day.... tommorrow it's back to the grindstone.... : )

Oh... I think I heard the dryer..... time to get back to housework : )....

Happy : )

2010-10-20T09:46:00.000-07:00

Do you ever just wake up feeling happy? Well, I am grateful to say today is one of those days. I love waking up to a still house... even better when it is relatively clean : ) Then to hear the sweet voice of my little princess calling to mommy "come snuggle mommy"... and we snuggle and watch a show til its time to have breakfast and start out the day : ) Happy to be so fortnunate that I have been able to tweek my fulltime work hours so that I am able to (most days) take my little one to and from school. To arrange playdates with her little friends, and family and bake cookies and go for walks and bike rides.... to read stories and snuggle..... and so much more : ) I am grateful for this. I sometimes let myself get bogged down by the drama of coparenting.... but it can only make you crazy if you let it... Sometimes I let myself fall into the abyss of darkness....there are so many blessings in my life that there is no reason to let myself lose sight of them. ... Here are a few snapshots of this past week.... in the spirit of having woken up happy...... just a few of my reasons I am grateful... and happy : )

I am grateful for Bat & Pumpkin Cookie cutters : )

and little hands...

I am grateful for silly faces that make me smile : )

And silly pumpkin patch photo ops

that were made for silly faces : )

I am grateful for cute bunnies that

don't jump out of children's arms despite

the swarm of children reaching for them...

I am grateful for creepy goats with half smiles...

that make us laugh...

I am grateful for being able to carve

a pumpkin ...

or 4... (2 are my nieces...) for my peanut : )

But most imporantly...

I am grateful for this sweet little girl

who brightens up my life...

in every way possible : )

Being a Perfectionist.... Will not Make you Perfect...

2010-10-16T13:22:00.000-07:00

Being a perfectionist... will not make you perfect..... striving for any form of perfection... is probablly never a good thing..... attempting this while wading through the septic tank of divorce and separation.... is absurdity at its finest.... nevermind adding a child to the mix. Yes... this is true... and I say again... being a perfectionist... will NOT make you perfect... I took a quiz here... if you have any doubt... check it out. I unfortunately.... aced it... which in the world of perfectionist quiz taking.... was not such a good thing. I don't want to be like this.... It is a horrible way to live, feel, be, and certainly not something I want to pass along to my daughter. I am not one to put labels on people, I think to some extent they create stigmas which seem to consume the individual with said label... however I am also a believer of helping ourselves.... and sometimes you have to put a name to things in order to get the help you need.... in a sense I think it creates a roadmap or sorts... Take for instance my being a 'perfectionist'... It's pretty fricken hard to google the list of traits... as opposed to googling the word perfectionist.... I mean... it took me right to a quiz didn't it???? So where to go from here. I realize that the road travelled by the perfectionist... striving for just that.... perfection... inevitably will lead to disaster.... So I am going to make a conscious effort to just be okay with the way things are.... Some things I would like to focus on...... mainly in the area of acceptance... clearly I NEED to accept that life can't be perfect ..

1) I will make some mistakes when parenting, despite my best.... ~~OCD~~ efforts to make sure my daughter gets more love, kindess, care, and compassion than she could ever want/need.
2) I can't protect my child from everything.... she will be exposed to hurts, pains, and meanness... but I will in fact never stop protecting her....
3) I will never keep my house spotless.... some days it will be cleaner than others.... but ultimately, with a 5 year old, and a Golden Retriever.... well.... nuff said...
4) The laundry will NEVER be done.....
5) There will always be calls left un returned.... because as a single fulltime working mom... there just aren't enough hours in the day for chitchat.... no matter how overdue...
6) There will always be left overs in the fridge.... sometimes no longer recognizable..(thank God for garbarators)
7) There will always be some dog hair on the carpet (see #3)
8-100..... there are at least that many more things that will never be perfect.... and I am going to have to be okay with them..... : )...

On a more thankful note...

2010-10-15T19:22:00.000-07:00

I am thankful that I have a very sweet man in my life who brought me these last night....

For no particular reason at all.... they are my favorite : )

But most importantly.... although a girl loves her flowers.... I am most thankful for my girl... and that I was able to be with her on Thanksgiving day... we spent it at grandpa's house with family.... she marvelled at the woodwork that covers his house.... Happy Belated Thanksgiving to all my fellow Canadian Bloggers : )

Sad face for you!!!!

2010-10-15T14:35:00.000-07:00

FP is at daddy's again.... he's been a massive A-hole! If I had a behaviour chart for this man... he'd get a big fat SAD FACE!!! Make that 10 sad faces!! For BAD behaviour!!!! Too bad there's noone to hold him accountable! Yup.... what a crappy way to start out a post... bleh! I called him last week to follow up about Christmas... and how we were going to split it (as per our custody ageement)... he wouldn't give me an answer and was all a-holish about me even asking since as far as he was concerned 2 months away was far too soon to be planning ... I started bawling... (never show them your weakness... they will use it against you... I must be PMSing... because it is not like me to let him see me cry anymore!)... yes... I did.... bawled and said that I was sorry things worked out the way they did... and why did he have to be such a jerk to me...? He's only nice to me when he wants/needs something from me... so the next day he called and said he had thought about it and decided I could have her for a few hours on Christmas day... he has her on Christmas Eve and on Christmas day...(which falls on a Saturday, on the tail end of his days with her... she comes home Sunday).... and then he would come get her and bring her back to me....the next afternoon... ? I brought her over to him early last year..... no questions asked.... I don't know why holidays bother me so much... maybe its the way he is such an insensitive A-hole Donkey about the whole thing.... I have tried my best to be curteous... but it gets me nowhere.... sometimes I feel like I'm floating in the middle of the ocean without a life preserver.... I didn't respond to the follow up email.... that basically said he doesn't give a sh*t..... and went off on a tangent about how his deceased brother disliked me after I broke it off with him... and how pathetic it was that I put a picture on my facebook profile of Mike and FP.....stooping to an all new low...So it only got better when I dropped off FP last night.... he got all confrontational in front of her... apparently showing emotion to this man.... about his clear inability to communicate with me about any dates or times... demonstrates that I am trying to "manipulate" him.... So he made some very rude and innappropriate comments in front of her.... I did not respond to him.... just changed the subject and told FP if she wants to talk to mommy when she is with daddy just to tell him so he can call me.... (I could tell she was uncomfortable with his behaviour) But he wouldn't let up on his nastiness.... He then stated... Yah... that's right... if SHE WANTS to talk to YOU... then we will call YOU.... and not the other way around. In other words.... don't bother calling here.... I'm about ready to give up on that anyway since he ignores my calls when I do call.... She asked me last week if I called her..I told her yes I did... each day I tried to call... and she says daddy lets the phone ring and ring but won't answer it... even when she begs him to... DONKEY! I know in my heart of hearts that if she asks to call he will probablly pretend to... then tell her he couldn't get ahold of me... I have call display... and a cell phone.... so there is no excuse.....Why bother having a custody agreement if you won't live by it.... so I feel like ripping out my hair right about now! So he is off to go camping this weekend.... I've let him know I am home.... but as per usual.... she will not be with him... he will not abide by our agreement.... and will send her to stay with someone else.... unless of course he can't find someone.... but somehow I am sure he will.. (she spent the last two saturday-sundays with his mom... which of course he lied to me about..... said she didn't.... and then when I confronted him further he said... 'hmmm... I don't remember').... and while he camps she will be with anyyone but her mommy..... custody agreement violation #2 for the week.... DONKEY! Okay.... vent complete..... tommorrow is another day.... hopefully a better one...